How to Apologize to Children

We all make mistakes with our children. Perhaps we say or do something hurtful in the heat of the moment that we instantly regret. A genuine apology has great power to undo these mistakes. A meaningful apology will make things better and give you the insight to help avoid further conflict. When you apologize to a child, you show your willingness to accept responsibility for your actions. You also teach your child the power of forgiveness.

Instructions

1. Realize that you have made a mistake. Accept this responsibility, or the benefit of the apology is lost. The apology must be genuine. Remember that children are quite perceptive and will know that you are not sincere.

2. Remain calm. If you are too angry to think clearly, tell your child that you need to spend some time alone before continuing the conversation. Think about what happened and why. Assess your feelings by thinking about how you would describe what happened to an adult friend.

3. Apologize simply and directly. Express regret or sadness at the hurt you have caused. Apologize for your behavior, not yourself. You might say, "I am sorry I lost my temper and called you lazy and worthless." This is more effective than saying "I am sorry I am a thoughtless and impatient mother."

4. Don't excuse your behavior by blaming your child. Saying "If you weren't always late, I wouldn't have gotten so angry" just shifts the blame to your child and diminishes the effectiveness of the apology. Saying "I'm sorry....but" sounds accusatory and doesn't work as an apology. Save a discussion of the underlying problem (e.g., you missed the bus again because you sleep too late) for another time.

5. Ask yourself and your child how it could have gone better. Ask what you could have done differently to avoid the problem. Review both your behavior and your child's together and ask each other how to handle similar problems in the future. Be sure to ask for forgiveness. Saying "I was wrong, will you please forgive me?" reinforces your feelings of regret while giving your child an understanding of the power of forgiveness.

6. Remember that you're not perfect and that you will make mistakes. The important thing is to acknowledge your mistake and move on. Remind yourself of all of the good things you have done as a parent, and know that your well-made apology is now one of them.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't overuse apologies or you will lose credibility. Don't apologize for every small thing that your child doesn't like. Limit your apologies to hurtful incidents that are directly your fault. Never apologize for proper discipline or legitimate punishment.