How to Behave at a Jewish Funeral

Behaving at a Jewish funeral shows your respect for the Jewish faith and the decedent. Follow these simple rules to properly conduct yourself at a Jewish funeral and during the traditional mourning periods with the decedent's family and friends.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. Find out if the funeral will be conducted according to Orthodox Jewish or Reform Jewish customs. Each faith has different customs and etiquette requirements.
2. Determine when and where the funeral will be held. Jewish funerals usually take place 24 hours after the death and can occur at temples, synagogues or funeral homes.
3. Attend the funeral service and burial. Listen to eulogies and respect prayers, even if you do not understand them. Take part in filling the grave with three shovelfuls of dirt; be sure to only hold the shovel pointing down and replace the shovel into the dirt when you are through instead of handing it to someone else. These specific actions are symbolic in the Jewish faith.
4. Allow the family a mourning period of at least three days after the burial. This mourning period is called "Shiva" and is an important part of the Jewish grieving process.
5. Contact the family after the three-day period. Ask for permission to visit the mourning house.
6. Visit the mourning house. Take uncut fruit, baked kosher goods or other kosher foods and offer them as gifts to the family.
7. Sit on chairs of regular height. Low seats or benches are customarily reserved for mourners and bear symbolic significance.
8. Wait for family members to speak or initiate conversation. Traditionally, guests are expected to console the mourners with their presence and mourners are not obligated to acknowledge visitors. Listen to the family members if they initiate conversation. Share your feelings, memories and appreciation of the decedent.
9. Offer any other help and support to the mourning family.
10. Return to the grave site after a 30 day period or after a gravestone has been placed onto the site. Leave a small stone at the site to symbolize your visit.

Tips & Warnings

• Make phone calls to the mourning house during reasonable evening hours or on the Sunday of the week of passing. Refrain from making calls during Friday and Saturday afternoon.
• Research etiquette practices for the particular type of Jewish faith that the decedent observed. Consult the family's rabbi if necessary.
• Never send flowers to Orthodox Jewish funerals.
• Do not uncover mirrors in a mourning Jewish household. Covered mirrors are part of the Jewish grieving process.
• Do not inform mourners of tears in their clothing. Tears in clothing are often observational customs.