How to Be Black in an Action Movie

With Denzel Washington, Halle Berry and Jamie Foxx winning Oscars, black actors are hotter than ever. If you're considering following in their footsteps, there are many steps you can take to make that happen--especially in action movies, or as they're often known, "the thinking man's cartoons."

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Acting skills
• Melanin

1. Join a gang or some sort of criminal venture. This is the easiest way to get your foot in the door, although you'll probably get it blown off by the hero when you try to rob him in an alley.
2. Become a buzz-killing authority figure. If you're middle-aged, this is a great option. Popular roles include judges, police chiefs and Army drill sergeants; just make sure to scream and belittle the hero to the point that he or she is determined to do the opposite of what you say.
3. Become the hero's partner. This is a tricky one. It's tempting to want that share of the spotlight, but when the light shines brightest is when you're at your most vulnerable, so be prepared to end up lying in the hero's arms, a trickle of blood running down your chin, as he yells to the skies, "NOOOOOOOOO!"
4. Become the hero's love interest. This means you're most likely a woman…or an open-minded man. Chances are the hero is James Bond, who's on record as being "down with the swirl," although that means chances are good you'll end up dead, as 007 isn't much for commitments.
5. Be a slave. Of course, this option should be limited to period pieces. If you're asked to be a slave in present-day midtown Manhattan, you have to question the film's historical accuracy and the director's political affiliation.
6. If you are light-skinned, consider being a terrorist. This is really in vogue right now.
7. If you are dark-skinned, try an African warlord on for size. It comes complete with a machete!
8. Learn kung-fu. You can always move to Hong Kong.
9. Be a stunt person. You won't get much glory, but chances are you'll get to wear an afro wig.
10. Be Will Smith. This is certainly the best option, although it's the hardest to accomplish. Be warned that close misses could result in your being Wesley Snipes, Mario Van Peebles or one of the Wayans brothers.
11. Wear a costume that covers you from head to toe so that no one realizes you're black. Unless, of course, you walk like George Jefferson.