How to Refuse a Request to Meet a Birth Parent

If you're adopted, your adoption story didn't end the day your birth parents relinquished you to your adoptive parents. You have a dual heritage and a birth parent may want to contact you regardless of your feelings on that part of your history. An unwanted request from a birth parent to meet needs action, even if it's in the form of a refusal.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Make the choice not to meet a personal one. Friends or family members can cloud your thinking with their enthusiasm about unveiling your unknown past. You didn't choose to be adopted, but you can choose if you want to meet the birth parent.

2. Write a letter or send an email. A letter allows you to express emotions too raw to share by telephone. The distance that written communication provides also lets you reveal your thoughts without fear of retaliatory feedback.

3. Delay the request while you think about it. You don't have to shut the door permanently on the possibility of a reunion. Request some time to think about a meeting. A year isn't unreasonable.

4. Explain yourself with "I" based reasoning. You may have personal reasons to refuse a meeting. Take ownership of those reasons. Say, "This is too painful to me," rather than, "This is too disruptive for you."

5. Get advice from a family therapist. Having some objective professional advice can help you stay grounded as you communicate about stressful, painful and sensitive issues. A therapist can give some ideas on how to share your wishes in a neutral, yet firm manner.