How to Cook Like a Redneck

If you have always dreamed of becoming the next Possum Pie Queen of Coon County, then dream no more. The art of cooking like a Redneck can be mastered with the right ingredients and whole lot of old fashioned, down home, knee slappin', fun lovin' rib tickling, gonna make "yor" taste buds sit up and say, "Hallelujah, praise the Lord, yum, yum," cooking good time!

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Lots of lard
• Fatback
• Road kill (Any will do)
• Grill
• Pack of smokes
• Corn Squeezins
• Some youguns to holler at while you are cooking
• Toenail clippers (something to use while you kill the time)
• Torch for cooking

1. Every good Redneck cook knows you can't have a good meal until you either run it over with your truck or you pull it out of a lake somewhere. For those of you who do not have a lake nearby, any varmint found in water near a chemical plant will do. Every 1 out 5 cooks agree, cause the others are not with us to disagree!
2. Once you have selected your item to cook, make sure it is dead before you throw it on the grill. It is Redneck tradition to holler a few ceremonious words such as "Yee haw, Lordy all mighty, and a few profanities to let everyone else know in the hills that you are about to partake of the finest viddles this side of the Mississippi or in most cases, this side of the trailer park! If your food has bones, the younguns will love to help you pull all the meat off the bone, because the bones make great little toys to play with. Every good Redneck cook knows that while the meat is sizzling, it is time to holler at your spouse! Shouting commands at your spouse will be a great help to getting things done faster when you are cooking. For instance, if you need butter, shout; "Git yor dad blame, no good, worthless, lard butt over here and throw me that butter, for I run you over with my truck like I did yor dinner!"
3. While you are waiting on dinner, you can idle away the time, letting your younguns read the back of the cigarette carton for you( they finished 3rd grade) or you might choose to enjoy the outdoors swatting flies and saving them for dessert toppings later! Redneck cooks do not like to spend a lot of time cooking over a grill and to save on time, it is best that you always have a blow torch to speed up your cooking. The blow torch method of cooking renders the tastiest foods and can really crispin up those flies that you serve after dinner.
4. Rednecks don't use a lot of seasoning on their food. However, most will tell you that what makes food lip smakin' down home good is to throw a little corn squeezins on top of the food and watch the flames shoot up into the sky. Keep the younguns away from the fire just in case they want to get a lick before dinner! To determine if a food is ready to come off the grill, a good Redneck cook will give a taste to the dog. If the dog just smells it a bit, "it aint ready!" If the dog laps it up, then it is time to "bring her on in" along side the "fixins." Yum Yum
5. "Fixin's" is typically a side dish that has been grown out in the back yard or brought by another member of the family to share with others. It is usually a dish made with lots of lard to give it flavor and served with bread bought from the "day old bread store." After dinner and dessert, most Rednecks like to go "out back" and shoot a few things they call "targets." When the shooting is over and no one has been killed, a Redneck cook will invite everyone to "sit a spell" and enjoy the day with them. After a meal, a Redneck never has to clean up because the critters at night will do all that. Yum. Yum!

Tips & Warnings

• Redneck Recipe from BETTER TRAILERS and OUTHOUSES MAGAZINE: Fire up yor grill to a med. heat. Get ingredients ready. Cook the meat. Call yor kin in to eat and thank the Lord for this turkey delight!
• INGREDIENTS
• 1 teaspoon lemon juice
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 2 tablespoons hot sauce
• 1 tablespoon black pepper
• 1 large sweet onion, diced very small
• ½ cup diced pineapple with juice
• 4 turkey legs
• 3 tablespoons honey
• 1 tablespoon Worchester Sauce
• 2 cups mustard
• Salt to taste
• 2 tablespoons Bourbon
• 1 teaspoon garlic seasoning
• DIRECTIONS
• 1. In a medium size bowl combine all the above ingredients . Make enough to set aside 1 cup for later. Cover and refrigerate.
• 2. Pierce holes in thighs using tines of fork.
• 3. In self closing plastic bag combine legs and remaining marinade. Seal bag and refrigerate overnight, turning occasionally to marinate evenly.
• 4. Prepare grill for indirect heat cooking. Cook legs slowly over medium heat 25 to 30 minutes per side. During last 10 minutes of cooking, brush with reserved marinade with added Bourbon.