How to Discuss Money with Your Spouse

Once you're married and living happily ever after, there is one prickly issue that can disrupt the peace and harmony of any couple. Money. This is an article about how to talk about money with your spouse with step-by-step instructions and ideas to make sommunicating about money in your marriage a strength. Also included are some fun date night activities related to finances.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Notepad/paper
• 2 Pens

1. My husband comes from a family whose motto goes something like “you get rich by living poor” and it worked for them. They penny-pinched, saved and invested. My husband graduated college debt free. My family is a little different. My dad achieved his educational and career dreams later in life. After having five children he went through 8 years of school and became a Doctor. My parents got by on student loans so I was used to the idea of living on borrowed money. When it came time for college, I did what I knew and took out loans and used credit cards to pay for everything else. When my husband and I got married, there were some adjustments we both had to make so we could meet on common ground financially. He had to learn to loosen up a little bit and I had to learn to be patient and wait for the things that aren’t immediately necessary.
   
   Money issues can create huge problems in a relationship. Arguments over money are more frequent in most marriages than fights over anything else. We have heard repeatedly that financial problems are the leading cause of divorce. Learning to deal with money issues can make a marriage less stressful, and more likely to survive.
   
   One of the biggest problems with finance is not the money alone, but how a couple communicates about it. Who is spending? Who is saving? Who is responsible for paying the bills and doing the bookkeeping? Arguments can also arise from what money represents: dependence/independence, power, security, pleasure, sense of worth, etc. Regardless of the financial situation or any underlying issue, the most important factor here is COMMUNICATION.
2. Think about what your financial expectations and goals are. Think about your own family’s attitudes and financial habits. What was beneficial that you learned from your family and what would you like to do differently? Next, find a good time to discuss financial issues with your partner. Make it a date so that they have time to think about their own feelings as well. Begin by talking about your families’ financial attitudes and go from there. Have a notebook ready and work through the following questions together and write down where you both stand.
   
   What do we like and dislike about our own family’s financial habits?
   What are our financial goals? Prioritize if you can.
   Saving for a house
   Saving to have children
   Travel
   Paying off debt
   Retirement
   Etc
   Where do we want to be in:
   1 year
   5 years
   10 years
   Who is going to be responsible for paying the bills each month?
   How much is a reasonable amount to spend without discussing?
   Do we want a shared bank account, separate accounts or both?
   What do you expect of me?
   Etc…
   It is important to talk about any feelings you may have relating the financial situation. As newlyweds and recent college grads, I felt horrible that my husband was paying off my loans and credit card debt from college while I wasn’t able to contribute very much to the account. I felt ashamed and had anxiety that he secretly resented me for this burden I had brought upon him. Finally one day, I put a note in his lunch that apologized for being a financial burden to him. I was just dying inside, but it was hard to talk about it. Later that day, he sent me an email that said “You have never been a burden, and if I had to give up every penny I have ever made and will ever make just to be with you I would. I love you so much.” When I read that email, I buried my face in my hands and began to cry. Suddenly I was able to address the underlying issue I had regarding our financial situation. It can be incredibly hard to bring up our feelings and find ways to approach the subject. But it is so important for the health of the relationship to find ways to talk about it.
3. To avoid a fight when talking about money, follow some of the following steps that can help reduce financial stress between you and your partner:
   
   Discuss as a couple, your financial status at least once a month. Make it a date on the calendar if you have to.
   Live on less than you earn
   Learn to tell the difference between your needs and wants
   Develop and live within a budget!
   Prioritize your debts and develop a game plan
   Pay yourself each month by adding even a little bit to your savings.
   Make an appointment to get financial help
   Once common goals are established, work towards them together. This will bring a financial bond between you and a sense of empowerment as you make progress in accomplishing goals together such as a special vacation or buying a house. No one likes to talk about money, but it is necessary. By starting early in the marriage, you will create a habit so money talk will become a natural part of your relationship. Remember, you are a team, keep the conversation going and enjoy working towards your common goals.

Tips & Warnings

• Related Activities you can do together: Ad Sense Go over the weekly grocery store ads together, collect coupons and make it a date to go grocery shopping together and get in on all the great deals. Win the Lottery! Amidst the stresses dealing with finances, don’t forget to dream together. Take some time to imagine what you would do if you won the lottery someday. Make a list of all the things you would buy for your spouse and estimate their value along the way. When you are finished, exchange lists and keep your fingers crossed! Shopping Spree Go to a local store that has a wide variety of low-priced items. Split up and roam the isles until you find the perfect gift for your spouse that costs within a set dollar amount (whatever your budget allows be it $1-$5). BE CREATIVE! After you buy your gift, keep it a secret until you get home. When you exchange gifts, explain why you chose what you did. DREAM HOUSE Work together and design your dream house. You can write about it or draw it. Write a description of each room and a floor plan. Talk about everything you will need to make your dream complete. How does your dream home represent the two of you? Let your dream home plans be motivation towards achieving your financial goals.