Things You'll Need:
- Love
- Patience
- Maybe some reminders
-
Step 1
DO NOT under any circumstances force him to talk to you. Just accept that sometimes he's not going to want to talk.
Let's take a minute to break down the way that men and women deal with stress and negative events in their lives. Women have a tendency to deal with problems and Code Red situations in more group-oriented ways. They will gather a group of their friends and talk about the problem or they will systematically call the most important people in their lives in order to consult with them on the issue.
Men tend to deal with things more internally. This doesn't mean that they refuse to accept help or seek support, but FIRST they must process the situation internally for themselves.
Let him know that you love him. You think he's fantastic. Remind him that even the greatest people go through hard times and you are there for him if he needs anything. Then give him all the time that he needs to process.
WARNING! In order for this to be effective you have to give him all the time HE needs , not the amount of time that YOU think he needs or should need. :) -
Step 2
Choose your battles sparingly. If you are really committed to loving this man, this is the time to show it. Well, you ask, how do I do that?
By letting things go. Just for now. You can fight about it later if it's really that serious.
So during this time of stress, focus on this rule: Unless what he is doing/has done is imminently life-threatening or heartlessly malicious, just LET IT GO.
It's not that serious! You can drop it, just for now. Don't criticize, don't nag, don't tell him what he should do. Even when you are right, now is not the time. Give him the gift of being able to focus on processing his situation, his feelings, his plans and not having to worry about you...just for now. -
Step 3
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! When your man is going through a hard time, it's easy to take his lack of attention personally. You start to feel like he doesn't want to share his feelings WITH YOU, he is shutting YOU out, he is withdrawing FROM YOU.
That is a blatant lie. This is not about you. It's about him and how he deals with things. If he is withdrawing and not sharing, then that is just what he does and it's not a personal attack on your relationship, it's just how he's handling it.
Maybe it's the best way, maybe it's not, but either way, it's the way he's doing it and trying to make him NOT do it that way will not make him change that.
The same way you have that stuff that is part of who you are that you want him to just accept, you need to do the same thing. It's hard to control your feelings in the moment when you feel like you are not getting what you need (his attention), but if you relax and let him handle things the way he needs to, your relationship will grow stronger than you can even imagine!
Remember, the more amazing you know you are, the more he knows you are amazing.
Comments
ajoyhk said
on 11/21/2009 Thanks for this. It might seem chauvinist, but it's true.
The toughest thing to realize as a new wife has been that no matter how pure my intentions or how I think I'm trying to "help," IT JUST FEELS LIKE NAGGING TO HIM!
I don't get to decide what hits him the wrong way or feels bothersome. He does, naturally, especially in times like now when he's going through a stressful time.
realworldcoach said
on 1/7/2008 Dear MellyBee - You say that not all women react with criticism and nagging and that is undoubtedly true.
However, you are obviously not one of them.
If you will take the time to criticize and nag a perfect stranger over an article that is clearly tongue-in-cheek and written with the best intentions of building love between men and women and improving relationships, then it's a safe bet that you react to the people in your life in a similiar way.
Open your mind and your heart will follow!
MellyBee said
on 1/6/2008 eh...thanks for your completely insensitive and contradictary views upon women. not all women tend to react with criticism and nagging. Most of realise, thank you, that its not all about us.
realworldcoach said
on 11/8/2007 I love it, jimdris! You are so right :)
jimdris said
on 11/8/2007 Have you ever noticed that women tend to process out loud (which tempts the guy to jump in and try to fix it before she's done), while a man tends to process internally, alone (which stresses the woman who wants an answer NOW), and then announces his conclusions when he is done?