How to Suck up to the Boss

If you're stuck in the corporate rat race, the best way to move up is to pucker up. You need to know how to suck up without blowing your cover. Most will tell you that being a "Yes Man" doesn't pay.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Stay late. If you don't have anything to do, check up on your fantasy baseball stats, email your brother in Nome or buy that Bratz doll on Ebay. Just stay longer than anyone else consistently and your boss will notice the hard work.
2. Look busy. If you have no clue how to pull this off, mess up your hair, ruffle some papers and stare intently at your computer whenever the boss pops in. This will make it seem as though you are overworked and under paid, which is the way the boss likes it.
3. Pretend to work while eating lunch. If your boss is in for the day, get to your computer and type idly while chewing a Slim Jim. You'll be scoring major points with Big Daddy while all the suckers are out to lunch.
4. Leave your desk a mess. This will put on the appearance of hard work while getting you out of remedial tasks such as filing or fetching donuts for the morning meeting.
5. Compliment your boss at least twice daily. Phrases like, "Wow! I've never seen a hair piece with wings," or "Your booty looks good enough to eat," should be avoided. Instead, stick to simple compliments referring to their hair or weight.
6. Follow the boss around. A good rule of thumb is to keep an arm's distance during your pursuit. This will keep you from running into Big Boss Man as you both weave through the cube farm. If your boss asks you what you're doing, reply by saying "Your wish is my command."
7. Laugh like you mean it. The next time the Head Honcho tells a joke, laugh like a mad pirate. If you're close to a drink, have it come out your nose. These little stunts are sure to be remembered during yearly evaluations.