How to Spot a Manipulator

It is difficult to spot manipulators, because they are so good at what they do. And it can be hard to identify and resist manipulative behaviors in your children, parents, coworkers, friends or lovers. However, once you recognize the behavior, you can learn to respond in ways that break the manipulation cycle.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Explore your feelings. Think about how you feel after spending time with the people in your life. Perhaps dealing with someone close to you regularly leaves you feeling exhausted, depressed, fearful, lonely, guilty or worthless. If so, chances are that you have spotted a manipulator.

2. Spot manipulative tools. Manipulative behavior is by definition controlling and self-serving. Although some manipulators can be physically abusive, the real control usually is psychological. Manipulators have methods to delve deep inside your head and heart. They then push your buttons so that they can bend you to their will. Manipulators often use guilt or feign helplessness to persuade you to something for them. They may blame you unfairly, mock you or put you down. He or she may also demonstrate behavior that seems on the surface more positive, like using flattery and charm and professing love and caring.

3. See whether the manipulator alternates between flattery and affection and anger depending on whether you are accommodating his requests. The display of anger may be intimidating or passive-aggressive.

4. Determine whether the person uses your relationship with him to persuade you to do or not do things. Manipulators often make requests or demands by playing on your affections and your guilt. Spot manipulative comments like "If you loved me, you would (or wouldn't) do this" or the converse: "Since you insist on doing this, I can no longer love or trust you." There are no gray areas with manipulators. If you don't perform as they wish, there is something lacking in you.

5. Analyze the reasoning the manipulator uses to get what he or she wants from you. Manipulators usually rely on irrational, emotional means of persuasion rather than logic to get their way.

6. Notice how the person acts when you change the way you respond to the manipulative behavior. Argue back, with logic. Do not humor the manipulator. Take your time answering and responding. Don't take the bait. Be alert and prepared for changes in tactics, since the manipulator is highly invested in control and will try different strategies.

Tips & Warnings

• If you want to maintain a relationship with the manipulator, realize that it takes time for both you and the manipulator to change your behavior. Someone who is worthy of your time and affection will change his behavior.
• Directly confront the manipulator with the behavior only if it is safe for you to do so.

[SeanHeeger]

on 9/29/2009 My master manipulator loves to get mad at me for something she lets me of invites me to do just to flair the tone in my voice. She invites me to do things at her place like watch a series of movies. But when she gets home from work she'll be mad at me for being there. It's hard to recognize the signs of her aggression coming on other than the angry (face) signals she sends. She says that "the look" she has on her face is just the way she looks all the time". But I've always known better. They know how to push all the right buttons. Especially if they've spent the last 8 years with you and they know everything that gets to you and sets you off.

Why do people have to be this way?

[tyrantinshorts]

on 6/7/2009 I think step 6 is very critical. taking your time responding through the sighs and non verbal gestures of the manipulator (sometimes they may act as if no longer interested in what you want to say - dont worry, stand your ground), is very important.Also, if you hear something that sounds like manipulation, stand your ground hard and keep digging and asking follow up questions. Dont assume anything. Make the manipulator accountable for whatever they say.

[pixieled]

on 8/20/2008 I'm glad this is here. I read every line and it's my sister to a T. I made a mistake in confronting her. Instead of being an adult and talking to me about it, her first impulse was to remove all communication to her and call everyone in my family and friends to tell them how mean I am to her. Really wasn't a surprise. Truth is, she's so great an manipulating people she can convince anyone that anyone else she's upset with is the one doing the manipulating. Her, and mom's excuse for her, is she's "sensitive".
This gives her to right to cry she's so abused (apparently by every boyfriend who broke up with her), so misunderstood, and if she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it no one loves her.

Too bad. I'll be waiting for when she grows up. It's sad it comes to this.

How about a post on how to deal with the emotions of being the one the manipulator turns others against?