How to Heal Old Sibling Rivalries
Old wounds from sibling rivalries can cut deep. Parents may have caused these with their unthinking behavior. You may have been labeled as a "klutz" in your childhood while your sister was "the pretty one." Or maybe your younger brother was pampered and you only got disapproval. But remember your siblings will probably be around longer than your parents, so follow these steps to heal your broken relationship.
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Instructions
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Identify the conflicts that sparked the sibling rivalry. Write them all down, even if it was because your parents treated you both unfairly. Describe the situation as objectively as you can, noting incidents that were particularly hurtful and need special healing.
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Think about the stages your relationship has gone through. Maybe there were other incidents that made your sibling rivalries worse. Major life events like marriage, career landmarks and family deaths can make a shaky sibling relationship even worse.
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Write your feelings as a result of these conflicts. Get as nasty as you want for right now. Point as many fingers as you feel you have to. But then go back and read those pages critically and, with a cooler head, identify how you really feel and why.
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Prepare to forgive or ask forgiveness and forget. You should be clear about where you wronged your sibling and where you feel she wronged you. Point out, for example, that though your parents spoiled her, she was aware of their feelings and often used it as a way to manipulate them.
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Assess how willing your sibling is to heal these rivalries. At an appropriate moment, bring up one of the conflicts you've been writing about but remain casual and calm. See how defensive your sibling becomes or if he's willing to listen and share his feelings about it.
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Express to your sibling how you feel about old wounds if you get the impression she's willing to work it out. Withhold accusations and instead focus on how you've felt and the way your hurt has grown over the years. Listen calmly and take your sibling's feelings into consideration.
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Resolve the sibling rivalries by mutually agreeing to forgive and forget. Figure out what you have in common and concentrate on building your relationship through that.
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Seek counseling if you find you can't heal yourselves. When wounds are very deep from abuse, for instance, it may take a professional to patch up your sibling rivalries.
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Tips & Warnings
Enlisting the help of your parents in healing the sibling rivalry will only frustrate you, especially if they caused the friction between you.
Resist comparing yourself and your life to your sibling's by practicing gratitude.
Sometimes the best way to heal is to just let go and not try to work things out.
Don't jump to conclusions about why your sibling behaved a certain way.
