How to Get Rid of Your Wife

Does she sit eat like a goat, smell like a skunk and grunt like a boar? Does she eat with her hands and then beg you for more? Does her tongue look yellow when she licks on a spoon? Does she roll on the grass and howl at the moon? Is her left foot a nub and her right eye half winked? Does she belch at the table and do her feet stink? If you answered yes to all of the above, It ain't that ole' coon dog, that you've grown to love! It's your beloved, your wife for all time, Can't someone come take her, you'll give them a dime? If Santa would grant you just one wish this year, Would it be to have one less wife you can call dear? Here are some things to speed up your wish, To get rid of your wife and buy a satellite dish!

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Determination
• Perservearance

1. Till death do you part, what idiot wrote that?
   Death would be better, than that lard of fat!
   You must have been drunk and out of your mind,
   Cause now you are married to her fat behind!
   
   She used to be pretty, all sexy and fine,
   The love of your life, a sweet Valentine.
   Her youth has all faded like a cloud in the wind,
   The only thing left is a half gritty grin.
   
   She nags and she nags all day and all night,
   She looks like a witch whose been in a fight.
   She spits in the mud and likes to roam free,
   She jiggles when naked, hope the neighbors don't see!
   
   There's only so much a man can endure,
   It's time to get rid of this ogre for sure.
   For those who wish for the time of their life,
   Here are some tips to get rid of your wife.
   
   Plan a concoction that will make her all dizzy,
   And when she awakens, say her NEW name is Lizzy!
   Give her a list of all things she must do,
   The cooking, the cleaning and washing ole' Blue.
   
   When she is done, have her bring you a drink,
   Tomorrow a new list, then give her a wink.
   When she inquires about her new life,
   Tell her she is, a mail order wife.
2. Give her a new list each day of the week,
   And soon you will have what it is that you seek.
   How nice is the peace and the quite of day.
   The old nag is clue less and you like it that way!
   
   It's almost a sin to make her do that.
   A slave to your whims, you fat happy cat!
   Tell her you're going away for a while,
   Give her a list, then give her a smile.
   
   Off to the good life, away you will go,
   You will be back, before the first snow.
   A dream come true from just one wish,
   Oh, to have that satellite dish!
   
   Have a grand time without your old wife,
   She's back at home, not giving your strife!
   Thank God for the brew that made her so dizzy,
   That pig of a wife, that you call ole' Miss Lizzy.
   
   What man could ask for anything more,
   A wife who forgot who she was once before?
   But something is brewing on this very night,
   Something made wrong is now very right.
3. What once was a witch who cackled at night,
   Has turned to a lady, a real mans delight!
   Be careful with things that you wish to come true,
   It might just be granted, then what will you do?
   
   The old nag she hollers, calls you back to her den,
   She has cooked a fine dinner of pheasant and hen.
   She pours you a drink made from her special brew,
   You start to feel dizzy, could it be the flu?
   
   Sweet dreams she says as she sends you to bed,
   Oh what a feeling, that you feel in your head.
   You wake the next day, you've lost all of time,
   And there on a table, is a bright shiny dime.
   
   You feel that something has gone all amidst,
   You look in your pocket and there is " a list!"
   Your name is Ole' Blue, you're the dog from the street,
   She calls, "Get my breakfast then lick on my feet!"
   
   For those who wish to have no wife,
   Better off to have no life.
   To be without a love so true,
   The one who knows, just ask ole "BLUE!"