How to Help a Girl Deal With Bullies

Anyone who claims there are no differences between boys and girls obviously has pets or only one child. While boys and girls can and often do share similar strengths and weaknesses, they also have very different communication and interpersonal styles. Take bullying. When we think of bullies, we typically think of physical violence. Not so with girls. Girl bullies are subtle, manipulative and can be far more cruel than most boys.

Instructions

1. Listen fully and actively to your daughter. Knowing that she has a sympathetic ally in a safe haven such as home will give her strength.

2. Avoid placing blame on your daughter by saying things like, "Well, if you didn't want to get picked on, you shouldn't have sat with them." Girl bullies often manipulate circumstances to create opportunities in which they can target their victims.

3. Ask your daughter what you can do to help. Some girls want their parents' involvement. Other girls may defer, afraid that involving a parent will only draw more bullying attention from the bullies.

4. Communicate with your daughter's teachers, guidance counselor and school administrators about the bullying, but only after you have discussed your plan with your daughter.

5. Allow your daughter to take a mental health break from situations that promise to be particularly stressful. This isn't to suggest you should let your daughter miss school repeatedly. But if there is, for example, a non-essential field trip during which the students will be less supervised (such as on a long bus trip) and during which girl bullies will have extra opportunities to bully, let your daughter off the hook. Keep her home, take her to lunch and love her up.

6. Teach your daughter how to be assertive and rebuff girl bullies' attempts to draw her into conflict.

7. Go over your daughter's head. If the situation intensifies to the point of affecting your daughter's school performance, if it escalates to include threats of or actual violence or if your daughter appears to be growing depressed, file a formal complaint with the school district and demand that the school administration takes steps to protect your daughter and ensure she has a safe learning environment that is conducive to learning.

Tips & Warnings

• A great book on girl bullies is "Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence" by Rosalind Wiseman. Even though the title refers to adolescent girls, it is packed with advice that applies to younger girls. Sadly, cliques and girl bullies are springing up at ever younger ages.

• Limit your daughter's access to the Internet. A lot of girl bullies use instant messaging, text messaging, e-mail and chat rooms to spread rumors and paste comments taken out of context to start fights between other girls. Do not let your daughter (or son for that matter) have a computer in their bedroom. Keep the computer in a central area so you can monitor their use. Keep them off of IM as long as you can hold out. Make them give you their passwords so you can monitor their account use and manage their friends list.

• For an eye-opening look at how cyber-bullying can affect your child, visit the website dedicated to Ryan Patrick Halligan. This beautiful 13-year-old boy committed suicide after being the object of both boy and girl bullies in which cyber-bullying played a key role in the weeks and days immediately preceding his suicide.

• Know the signs of depression and watch your daughter closely for signs of depression or anxiety. If you suspect she is suffering from depression or anxiety, you may need to seek the services of a private therapist. School counselors are rarely equipped to effectively manage the symptoms of depression or anxiety.

• Don't let your experiences with girl bullies color your response to your daughter's experiences. Her situation is unique.

Resources

• Ryan Patrick Halligan's website
• National Institute of Mental Health signs of depression