How to Fake Your Own Death

Perhaps it's all just getting to be too much. Maybe you want a fresh start, a new beginning. On the other hand, maybe you just don't want to pay your students loans. Whatever it is, there is always the option of faking your death. If you are no longer alive, people will probably leave you alone. Here a checklist of basic essentials you may consider for faking your own death.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Choose your death. Be sure to choose a fake death that will not bring the FBI and every police officer in a 20-mile radius to your home. Murder and kidnapping are out, accidents and disappearances are in. Your plan should be simple and leave little doubt of your demise.

2. Appear to die. In most cases, this means you simply won't be coming back home. If you have chosen something a little more complex such as lost at sea or beamed up by aliens, ensure you have left no loose ends and no trail to your current location.

3. Attend your memorial service. Disguising yourself and attending your death services is a fantastic way to find out what people really thought about you. Start a conversation with: "Well, I for one am glad he/she is dead" and see how many in the crowd agree with you.

4. Cancel your identity. Realize that you can no longer use anything that would indicate you are alive including your credit cards, social security number, car, house, health insurance, or bank accounts. Kill two birds with one stone and find a new name off a gravestone while you attend your memorial service.

5. Change your appearance. A fake mustache and Groucho Marx glasses simply will not cut it. Shave, tan, color or bleach your hair, walk differently, and develop a thick foreign accent. People should leave you alone long enough to get out of town.

6. Permanently relocate. A dead person's name and a social security number you memorized from an elderly person in the doctor's office should be just enough for you to start again.

7. Stay dead. Nobody who has spent time mourning your passing will appreciate your sudden resurrection. It is extremely inconvenient, not to mention rude and a terrible let down for your enemies.

Tips & Warnings

• Some possible fake death scenarios: Went on a hiking/hunting trip and never returned. Went on vacation abroad and hasn't been heard of since. Said he was moving across the country for a job, lost touch. Just never came home.
• Don't go back to your home after whatever you were hiding from has cooled off. People say they believe in ghosts, but most are just a tad more skeptical.
• Car accidents are never a good idea. They will be an insurance claim and you don't want to add fraud to your list of problems.
• Acting weird or out of character before your anticipated death date will give the game away. Just act normal.

[phoenix1]

on 1/14/2009 I hope no one reads or listens to the comment posted by "barryjones said." Unless you have an enemy who you hate enough to want to kill, or you simply have no decency, framing another person for murder is a horribly, disgusting idea for how to get yourself a new start on life.

Boating accidents and staged drownings work best. No one is going to believe you faked your death unless you're the type of person that people will believe anything about. If you're considered normal by most standards, drowning due to a boating mishap; swimming in dangerous waters (with evidence indicating that you went swimming at a dangerous location), or being the victim of violence where the perpetrators are unknown--this is where a couple of pints of your own blood can come in handy--will work just fine.

The biggest thing to remember is this:

The police and the authorities are not trained or conditi