How to Get A Woman to Love Hockey

You are the "ultimate hockey fan." You live, breathe, taste, and experience the fanatics of insult bashing, skates clashing, pucks soaring, hitting, thumping, shoving, tripping, elbow shoving, "in your face" winter sports action on the ice called, HOCKEY! Each year, you ceremoniously welcome the sporting season by donning your teams colors from head to toe and rooting them to victory. With each new season, you thrill for that first time feeling of cold brisk air that will run across your face as the hockey players make their way up and down the ice. The smell of fresh popped popcorn, decadent treats and cheering fans bring you almost to a point of ecstasy. The excitement of winning, the players, the playoffs, the Stanley Cup.........the very essence of what makes a man a "real man!" HOCKEY! However, this season has a new added addition to the roster.....a girlfriend. She understands that YOU love the game of hockey but can't understand why men enjoy pushing and shoving each other in the cold, getting beat up, slapped and whacked over the head with a hockey stick, all for just getting that tiny little round "thingamabob" into a net! It is just beyond her imagination. How could a woman possibly understand a "real man's" sport and come to love it almost as much as he loves her? Is there some magic to making her understand the “mojo” of a man and his sport? What's a man to do? Maybe the solution to a better understanding of the game of hockey, is to take your girl to see the action, up close and personal!

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• A camera
• Spending money
• A hockey brochure
• A hockey souvenier
• A hockey logo blanket
• A Bell to ring
• A few insults to yell
• Warm clothes to snuggle

1. The tiny little black object called a puck. * Don't make things too complicated. Explain the game of hockey in layman terms; There are players, a stick, a puck, a goal, a referee and whole lot of hooting and a hollering. The object of the game is for one team to get that tiny little round black object (the puck) in the net to score.
2. You will totally confuse her if you say, "There are three basic kinds of players: forwards, defensemen, and goaltenders (goalies). Unless a team is shorthanded due to a penalty or overtime, each team will have six players on the ice during play. Three forwards line up at the front of the team, and they are (from left to right) the left wing, the center, and the right wing. Two defensemen line up behind them, one on the left and one on the right. The goalie is the sixth player. The forwards are responsible for most of the offense, and they tend to stay out front, while the defensemen are largely responsible for hanging back and making sure they are ready to protect the defensive zone. The goalie rarely strays far from his crease, but he does skate out and pass pucks to the other players."
3. Follow these tips and guidelines designed to make your girl love the game of hockey. In no time flat, the second next #1 hockey fan will be the girl who can appreciate the finer things in sports...........hot dogs, chicken fingers, chips, popcorn, peanuts, soft drinks and ice cold beer combined with great skating and some occasional damn good brawls. You can't ask for better.....a girl in one hand, a beer in the other and watching the love of your life, HOCKEY!

Tips & Warnings

• Show your girl attention. Ask her if she is enjoying the game. Don't ignore her.
• Get a program and show her some of the players. Women love a man "in the know."
• Offer to buy her a team logo blanket to share during the game. You can enjoy snuggling together. You will definitely score points practicing this tip.
• Show her the game souvenirs and buy her some of those cute team earrings. She will love you for that.
• Give her spending money so she can partake of all those delicious foods offered at the concessions while you watch the ice babes at the end of the quarter.
• Kiss her every time your team scores.
• Share with her some of your favorite "insults" that you enjoy throwing out at the game.
• Give her a camera to use during the game. Tell her you would love to have pictures of your time together. (This will keep her busy forever!)
• Let her use your binoculars. So what if you are down front near the ice. She can use them to "people watch." Warning: Take them away if you find she is spending too much time using them on the players and smiling.
• Teach her the team chants. She will feel important and useful.
• Buy her drinks. She will surely enjoy the game after more than one toddy. If she decides she wants to go down on the ice and skate with the players, it is time to cut her off!
• Thank her for coming the game with you and tell her how much more exciting it is with her there.
• Show her understanding and don't laugh at her when she cries over the player who cracks open his skull open on the ice and has to be carried out on a stretcher. She has a sensitive side.
• Hold her hand on occasion and let her know how nice it is to have her right beside you watching your "dream team" together.
• Teach her how to pass a hot dog down 3 rows across 10 people victoriously.
• Don't go "gaga" over the ice babes at half time. (Only when she is in the restroom)
• Don't drink too much and don't spill your food all over her.
• Keep your opposing fan slurs to a bare minimum because she still thinks you never use words like that in public.
• Make sure your girl is warmly dressed. The ice arena can be cold and too much snuggling will hinder your game enthusiasm.
• Don't tell her you once saw a hockey game, where one of the players was hit in the face point-blank by a hockey puck and they literally picked his teeth up off the ice afterwards or that he returned to the game with a mouth full of packing and a frozen face, and proceeded to play another regular period followed by two 20-minute overtime periods, and a bit of a third. Women just don't understand the best part of the game.
• When the game is over, give her a great big hug and tell her you can't wait for her to join you at the next game. If she want to know if she can wear that adorable red and white outfit that she thinks will match your team's colors, make sure you oblige her by saying, "I can't imagine anything that would look better!" Your real thought being, "except the time you saw an opposing player's collarbone break when he is slammed into a goalpost or when your favorite player crushed his right hand when he used it to break his fall after being
• cross-checked from behind."
• Go home and thank God for a great evening. Most important, pray they have hockey in heaven!