How to Fail the GRE

The GRE is an outrageous test designed with the sole purpose of impeding your path to grad school. You could not take it, but what would that prove? Instead, take it and fail it. That will show the graduate programs and test writers. Follow these steps to make sure you actually do fail.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Increase your anxiety. Stress and nervousness are powerful tools for failing the GRE and any other standardized test. Whatever you do do not call your target schools in advance to find out what scores they require because that would take away some of the most powerful fuel for anxiety: uncertainty.
2. Procrastinate instead of studying. Schedule your test date at the last minute. This way there is no deadline to motivate you or give structure to your study plan. Scheduling last-minute also adds the anxiety of traveling 100 miles to take the test at the only center available and getting lost on the way.
3. Beat yourself up about how bad you are going to do. If you tell yourself that you are going to fail often enough, it will happen. Try insulting your test-taking ability and overall intelligence at least once every waking hour.
4. Go to a used book store to find some really old "wisdom" on how to take the GRE, especially the sections that aren't on it any more. Use outdated preparation materials. Studying the wrong type of questions is a proven strategy for failure.
5. Use a study strategy that is incompatible with your learning style. Set goals that are unreachable and never reward yourself for successes or for sticking to your insanely rigid program of study.
6. Take the test carelessly, especially on the first section since computer adaptive testing puts more emphasis on the earlier questions. Leave questions blank, too. Guessing usually improves your score anyway.

Tips & Warnings

• If you fear that you are doing too well, leave the test early to fail automatically.
• Don't take the GRE seriously. Instead, talk about how ridiculous it is with all of your friends and point out its flaws. Be sure to tell them you don't care what you get on the test, as long as it is failing.

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