How to Kill a Conversation

If people walk away when you join a group around the water cooler, you probably already know how to kill a conversation. For those who want to be part of a group and exchange witty repartee with others, learn to avoid these sure-fire communication faux pas and your conversation skills will make you the center of attention.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Focus only on yourself. Whenever someone brings up a topic, immediately change it to make it about you by talking only about your experiences with the topic. An example is when someone starts talking about buying a new car and you jump in to describe your most recent car purchase.
2. Give lots of well-meaning advice. If someone talks about their dinner plans, you should immediately give them your opinion on what they should eat or where they should go. Sprinkle the conversation with your reasoning for the choice and make sure to poo-poo any ideas brought up by anyone else.
3. Practice adding "but" into every sentence you utter. "I agree, but...," or "That sounds good, but..." This is a semi-polite way of saying that you are right and everyone else is wrong and is sure to kill any hopes of a repeat conversation in the near future.
4. Interrupt other speakers with your thoughts on the subject or just change the subject to something you're interested in. If your conversation partner tries to continue, talk louder until your voice is the only one being heard.
5. Jump in at any pause in a conversation. It's not important to listen to what others in your conversation circle are actually saying. Whenever you see their mouths stop moving, it's time for you to jump in with your own ideas. Your subject can be totally off target since you don't care what others are saying or thinking anyway.
6. Ask personal questions, even of strangers. The more personal, the better. Find out their most personal information and use it in conversations with others later. Feel free to degrade them with disparaging remarks about their personal issues until they either walk away angry or cry. That means you win the conversation.