How to Pass Gas Quietly

It happens to everyone. You're out in public, and you find yourself suddenly needing to pass gas. You don't want to draw attention to yourself, but it's becoming rather painful to hold it in. You'll eventually fart whether you want to or not, so the key is to figure out how to pass gas quietly so that no one suspects a thing.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Location is everything. One of the secrets to learning how to pass gas quietly is to understand how to pick your location. If you choose a place that's too quiet, you have no chance of masking your farts. But, if you choose a place that's loud and noisy to begin with, no one will ever know that you squeezed one out.
2. Look for insulating fabrics and furniture. A soft, cushy chair can soften the force of your farts and make them much quieter.
3. Pack on the pounds. Your rear end is designed to squelch the sound emitted from a fart, so it's reasonable to assume that the bigger your hind is, the more muffling power it has. Scarf up the cookies and cakes to decrease the decibels of your gas emissions.
4. Create a distraction. If you're out of options and can't wait any longer, try creating a distraction at the moment you pass gas. Dropping a book, coughing or laughing will all create enough noise to allow you to pass gas unheard.

Tips & Warnings

• Managing to pass gas quietly is one thing, but there's nothing you can do about the smell except to deny it. No one can prove a thing. Authorship of farts is generally determined via aphorism, so learn a few: "He who denies it, supplies it;" "the smeller's the feller."
• Holding it in will only make it worse. The built up pressure from a repressed fart has been known to do serious damage to the farter and those around him.