How to Survive a Family Gathering

Survive a Family Gathering

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As the holidays approach many of us are forced with the dreaded notion of visiting with family, ours or our significant other's family. It can be extremely stressful and trying. You want to go because maybe it may be your aged Aunt Minna's last one around, or your poor dear niece Meg is counting on you - the only one who understands her, or maybe your nephew Jordan has just come back from a near miss in Iraq. But still the idea sends your stomach wretching and keeps you up late at night. Do not worry. Follow my steps and I will see you through and maybe, just maybe you'll enjoy yourself - this time around.

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

patience
clear cool head
confidence
a way out
check me out: www.richardsmiraldi.tv

Step1

First and foremost, long before the holiday event is to occur there is some mental planning that should be put into place. I suggest you envision a clear canvas. Picture yourself clearing your mind and smooth that canvas like a clean white sheet. A nice clean and clear picture with nothing on it.

Step2

Okay the second part is a little harder. I suggest going to the local stationery store and getting a piece of large poster board. Next, go to the children's section and get a book of cut-out paper dolls (the pre-perforated kind are the best), and third, get some good old white glue.

Step3

Take the poster board and place it on the table. Next take each of the paper dolls out of the book. Make sure you have one doll for each member of the family that will be at this gathering. Label each doll per family member.

Step4

Paste the dolls across the board. Leave enough room. Now, with a magic marker, next to each doll write down all the issues that may come up with each member of the family, for example: "Aunt Bedelia is liable to bring up the fact that I failed to make her 75th birthday party" or "Uncle Bert is going to remind me that if I had invested my money properly in pork bellies as he'd suggested I wouldn't be having to live in my sister-in-law's basement apartment," or "Dad is going to tell me that if I'd have purchased the Ford instead of the Kia my car would still be running..." etc. Get as much of this emotional baggage written down as you can. Feel free to attach additional sheets to the board, or if it's really a vast amount you need to get out, create a binder for each member of the family and paste their doll on top and insert pages of notebook paper with every hurt/pain, etc.

Step5

Okay, once you've completed this exercise you need to say to yourself, "I am not going to let any of these things bother me at the gathering. I've have dealt with them now and I am willing to let them go." Then either tear up the board, burn it, or throw it in the trash. If they are binders I suggest throwing them into a dumpster. The last thing you want is for your family members to find these items. As you throw them away, envision yourself letting go of those issues.

Now take a deep breath. Let the peace well up around and inside you. Truly let it go. And refuse to harbor those thoughts ever again. If they come at you, tell yourself, "No, I've thrown them off the cliff, I'm done with them now." And truly be done with them.

Step6

Now you are ready to beginning planning for the event. What will you wear? I suggest dressing elegantly. Don't dress too over the top -remember these aren't the Academy Awards, but dress in a way to let the members of your family know that you put in some extra special effort. Remember, you are leaving any attitudes or negative energy at the door.

Step7

Plan to stay only about 45 minutes. If you have to stay a weekend, it's going to take much more self control and restraint on your part. Also have your own means of getting to the event and back again. You need to leave yourself a way out. Plan on having a call come (from a friend) that will help you invent a way out of the situation (i.e. I have to go, my friend is in need). If your Aunt Wilma and Uncle Tom insist on meeting you at the airport, make sure you have the telephone number of a reliable local taxi company that can get you back should you have to make a quick exit from the party.

Step8

You are at the party. There they all are, possibly waiting to jump on you. The important thing to remember here is that while you can't control the way they act towards you, you can, AND ONLY YOU, can control the way you react to it. Remember only you can prevent a family fire! Think of this as a part you have to play. Be lovely and marvelous. Be a phony if you must. Say all the right things. Avoid any intimacy or heavy conversations - like getting in the kitchen with your sister where she wants to confound Uncle Fred, or in the garage with Dad so he can have that one to one conversation with you about how he thinks you failed and what you should've done to have avoided being such a screw up. If you want to avoid family arguments or controversies or the all out yelling and shoulting and he-said she-said blame game, then go in with the attitude and will power to say, "I will not quarrel. I will not participate in family arguments or squabbles." Do not let yourself get overheated. If your sister or brother say something so awful you want to plunge your fork into their chest,just excuse yourself and get yourself outside. Remember why it is that you are there.

Step9

Now you're asking, "Richard, but why am I there?" And this is the best part. You are attending this family event, not to tear your family apart, but to bring everyone together. Maybe you've realized long ago that with the state our world is currently in -with Wars, terrorism, crime, poverty and Acts of God tearing up the place, just maybe you've realized that what's really important aren't the petty little squabbles we deal with from day to day - like who got Aunt Selma's Silver Service, because if a storm hits, you know that's going to the wind. What matter's most are those intangible things, that we love one another. This is why families get together afterall. And if you bring that spirit of love to the holiday table, maybe just maybe it will be infectious (and this has been known to happen) and others will catch on. And if they ask you why you're so different this year, and not the big old yelling baboon you were the year before, careful...you can just tell them that in light of what's been going on in the world -you've had this epiphany and you've learned to cherish every day, and that what matters most to you are the people you care about and who care about you. (or you could just show them this article :))

Step10

Now this all sounds well and good, but we all have those people in our lives who will never be satisfied and nothing will ever be good enough or right enough and after a few drinks they're going to go for our throats. Step 10 is the most important step, because sometimes, after having said it all, you still can't get your point across. Step 10 is knowing when to leave -especially when your own well-being is at stake. Remember, you have to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else, and leaving is taking care of you. It's better if you get out of the door before the mash potatoes start flying across the room! Know when the proverbial train has jumped the tracks and get out!

Step11

If you've followed my advice..and you know the warning signs for when the volcano is about to blow, get out before you get hurt. The worst thing about family events is that very often people get heated over unhealed wounds from the past and say things, the very things, they least want to say. It's better if you get out before you hear them. And if you do hear them, just put on your happy face and pretend as if you didn't hear them (believe me, you'll all be happier for it). Be the bigger person. Take the higher road. The time to deal with these deep rooted problems between family members, may be never. Certainly you shouldn't take on the big challenges at a dinner or family event. Let yourself be remembered as the peaceful happy one. Because in the end, it's only yourself and your own actions that you are accountable for.