How to Remain Friends With a Cheater

It's hard to be friends with a cheater. Not only do you feel uneasy about supporting someone whose behavior is hurting others, but there are practical considerations, such as whether you should help the cheater keep secrets or share his bad deeds with his spouse. Here's how to stay friends without sacrificing your morals.

Instructions

1. Think about your stance on cheating. Decide if it's no big deal to you, the ultimate sin, or somewhere in between. Recall whether cheating has had an impact on your life--if you've been cheated on by an ex, or if your parents, siblings or close friends suffered because of infidelity. Identify whether this is a hot button issue for you, or if you can remain level-headed.

2. Evaluate your relationship with the cheater. Assess whether your friendship is based on history--because you went to second grade together--or because of qualities you admire. If you're friends simply because you share important memories, the toxic effect of cheating might not be worth the friendship. If you are friends because of a deeper connection, perhaps you may want to suffer through the cheating out of loyalty.

3. Consider reasons why your friend is being unfaithful. While cheating might be wrong in any situation, there is a difference between a cheater suffering through an unhappy, even abusive marriage and a cheater who is being unfaithful for the thrill of getting away with something. Decide whether you're sympathetic enough to your friend to support his immoral behavior.

4. Figure out what your friend wants from you. It could be advice, a sound scolding that sends her back to her husband, nonjudgmental support, or even an alibi. Decide whether you feel comfortable providing what your friend needs.

5. Create a game plan if you agree to remain friends with the cheater. Make it clear how you'll react if confronted by the spouse so there will be no surprises. Your friend should know from the beginning if he can count on you as an alibi.

6. Be a good listener. Unless the cheater has indicated that she doesn't want your feedback, try to get your friend to figure out why she felt cheating was necessary and to decide whether it's destructive to her happiness.

Tips & Warnings

• Befriending a cheater can lead to guilt, especially if you're fond of the cheater's significant other and/or children. This guilt can cause strain on your own marriage and relationships.

• Cheating can be contagious. If you see a friend cheating and getting away with it, you might be tempted to betray your loved ones as well. If you keep your friend's cheating a secret from your own spouse, you might find yourself on a slippery slope of concealing other things from him.

• You might end up resenting your friend and regretting that you agreed to support the cheating, so decide very carefully whether you want to remain friends or break off the relationship.