How to Commit Perjury

Maybe your life is boring. You have no excitement, nothing to really do all day. And then it suddenly hits you, "Hey, you know it would be so much fun to commit perjury! I could lie my butt off under oath, get caught, get arrested, stand trial, go to jail, meet some real heavy convicts and get a nice tattoo!" Well, if you are that bored, here's how to commit perjury.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. Create a situation in which you can lie. For instance, you're at work, and you're going over the company's quarterly financials. Things aren't looking so hot because sales in China are a wee bit sluggish. So you decide that the sales that came in on the 1st of the next quarter should be counted on the last day of the previous quarter. Not only does the company make the numbers, but you're also committing securities fraud as well.
2. Form a paper trail. When you commit perjury and tell your white little lies, you must give someone the ability to prove that you committed perjury. So, in our little fraud scenario, create a memo to the CEO and let him know of your little mastermind. But don't send it off quite yet, because if he gets it ahead of time, he may fire you and you'll never really get to commit perjury.
3. Get caught. Ah, this is the fun part full of shame and humility. Scowls and stares from everyone who used to count you as a friend. Now is the time to make your little letter public, like leave it in the copy machine. Press l000 copies and let them fly all over the office. Surely an unsuspecting janitor will find your memo, or perhaps the secretary who's sleeping with the CEO you're about to drag into this tawdry affair.
4. Ham it up. As you get caught be sure to really give an Oscar worthy acting performance. Cry, wail and blame people. Call the person out with whom you slept with at the company Holiday party. (Why should you be the only one being shamed).
5. Hire a lawyer. But not a good one, no. It would be tragic to get off. Hire a bumbling, stumbling, failed the bar 6 times kind of lawyer who looks like he could break down under pressure at the drop of the hat. If he discloses he's on "medication" during your initial meeting, you've found your winner.
6. Testify under oath. This is the key to commit perjury, because until it is under oath, it really doesn't count. So make sure you are under oath, and then proceed to lie your butt off. Say completely the opposite of what you created in your paper trail. As the prosecution, judge and your own sniveling lawyer remind you that you are under oath and that you are in serious danger of committing perjury and going to jail, just keep lying. You'd hate to half-ass it at this point.
7. You did the crime, so do your time. Life has consequences, but you knew what you were getting into at the start. So take your time in County and turn it into something positive, like finally learning how to make license plates so you can cross that off your "things to do before you die list."