How to Lose Weight like a Real Man

Drop pounds for glory and honor through pain and sacrifice. Ignore those wussy pills, tame exercise plans, and silly diets. You're a REAL man, so lose weight the real way.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Penis and Testicle(s)
• Brawn (leave thinking to the scientists)

1. Attach your favorite candy to a polar bear, or whatever suitable bear/beast lurks in your local vicinity. Feel the price you pay for those cravings or earn your reward in bestial combat.
2. Take your morning run down the freeway.
3. Turn up the heat on any meal you make of comfort food. Thai food? 5 stars! Dixies BBQ at Safeco field? Load up on The Man. Subway sandwich? You're not Jared, pile on those jalapeños! Salad with ranch? Match every teaspoon of dressing with a habanero pepper. Don't let them hear you crying in the bathroom, revel in the searing pain and the empty calories being fired out your backside.
4. Desk job? Sit up straight, but remove the chair.
5. Adjust your sexual positions to maximize the workout. Never lie or sit down unless you're also pumping iron. In fact, just stand up the entire time and keep your lover aloft. Use romantic candles to your advantage by standing over them; nothing keeps a man standing up straight like the primal fear of having a burning object shoved up his bum or roasting his manhood.
6. Punch yourself to sleep.
7. Imbibe alcohol in large quantities and mix wherever possible. A nice sour drink like Gin and Tonic should be chased immediately by a White Russian. Alternating between hard liquor and beer or other malted beverages is also helpful. All those calories become meaningless if they come up before your body can digest them. Vomit is just another one of your body's defenses, use it!