How to Parent Like Britney Spears

Unfortunately, not all women are born with the natural instinct to be great mothers. If you are unsure of your own parenting skills, you can’t go wrong by modeling yourself after Mother of the Year, Britney Spears.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Decide to have a baby on whim, much like getting married in Vegas while on a drunk binge or buying a small, obnoxious dog just to match an outfit. Do not for a moment consider the enormous responsibility involved in bringing a new life into this uncertain world.
2. Make inappropriate, juvenile home videos of yourself that will humiliate your children once they’re old enough to log into YouTube. Be sure to smack your gum a lot and boast about your sex life. Market the home videos to whatever desperate cable channel will give you the time of day.
3. Disregard state laws established to safeguard the general well being of all children, as well as common sense naturally bestowed upon Mothers to fiercely protect their own offspring. Be blatant and flaunt your disregard by driving with your cherished cherub in your lap instead of strapped in a car seat.
4. Pay other people to raise your children. Opt not to check references because we all were kids once, and that’s sufficient childcare experience. Instead, look for a hot male nanny you can skinny-dip and make-out with.
5. Shave your head, publicly go without underwear, get in avoidable altercations, and in general, make an arse of yourself on every possible occasion to set an example for your brood. Alienate any stable influences, like grandparents, who might have a positive effect on your children.

Tips & Warnings

• Obviously, don’t strive to be like Ms. Spears in any way, shape, form, or fashion. It disgusts me that she’s got all of the time, money, and resources in the world to give these children a happy childhood and a solid, stable upbringing and simply chooses not to. I guess she’s attempting now to relive the childhood she missed …