How to Drive in Dallas

Driving in Dallas is a dangerous game. Every time you venture onto the streets you decrease your life expectancy. Here are some steps you can take to better prepare for the hazards of Dallas roads.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Watch Nascar before attempting to drive in Dallas. That's how everyone normally drives there.

2. Adhere to the 5 second rule when approaching stop lights. If the light has been red for 5 seconds or less, drive on through or risk being rear ended by the driver behind you.

3. Wait 5 seconds after the light has turned green before entering an intersection (see above step for reason why).

4. Stay out of the left lane if you are driving less than the speed of sound. In fact, if you like to follow speed limits, stay off all major highways.

5. Avoid streets that have drive-through liquor stores on them. They are conveniences for drunk drivers that are constantly on the go.

6. Throw away all maps that are more than a week old, the streets have already changed. It's okay to take this personally.

7. Ignore directions on signs. It's possible to be traveling East on the Southbound lane of Interstate 35 West.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't bother with the traffic reports, there are problems no matter what route you take.
• If there are no police around and no traffic cameras, then there are no driving regulations of any kind.
• Be armed if engaging in road rage because the other person will be.