How to Handle a Bar Fight

Find yourself in a bar and eventually you're going to find yourself facing some loser riding a testosterone- and alcohol-fueled high. As someone who is looking only to have a social evening you need to understand how to properly handle a bar fight.

Instructions

1. Approach the situation with an air of dignity and caution. You don't really want to get into a fight, so do everything in your power to avoid one. Announce in a loud clear voice that you aren't interested in fighting and have no intention to do so.

2. Ask the bartender to call the police, and watch him leave in a paddy wagon. That would be the ultimate victory, but as it stands the police arrive too late and typically are too disinterested to actually haul his sorry butt out of there.

3. Listen to him talk, but for only so long. Most fights occur because one guy feels slighted by another due to some dispute or another. Chances are it was inspired by some words. Whether they fell from your mouth or his, is irrelevant now.

4. Let him swing away, dodge his fists, but keep your fists up to protect your noggin' all while expressing disinterest in fighting. Him swinging first justifies self-defense should you need to pop him one.

5. Put him in his place, only as a last resort. If it looks like you-or someone else is going to be injured due to his Neanderthal-like behavior be sure to know what you're doing.

6. Grab a handful of his hair in your fist and make his head go anywhere you want. Strike hard and fast with your other elbow repeatedly. Don't stop until he gets the point that the fight is over. Guys who play fair at this point usually carry their teeth home in a paper cup.

Tips & Warnings

• Finish that joker fast, with hard, burly hits. Most people, especially drunk ones, don't go down on one hit.