How to Explain Cross Dressing to a Spouse

Cross dressing in secret can place a tremendous amount of pressure on a person, which is compounded when a cross dresser is married to an unknowing partner. The decision to tell a spouse about cross dressing is a difficult one, but essential for the marriage to be firmly rooted in honesty.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Tell your spouse as soon as possible. Your partner entered into marriage without knowing a significant part of your personality. When disclosure is given, it's not unusual for a spouse to feel deceived. Be prepared for this reaction, but don't let it stop you from telling him or her. The longer you wait, the more negative the response is likely to be.

2. Talk in a private setting where you won't be interrupted, dressed as your spouse is accustomed to seeing you. Surprising your spouse while fully cross dressed is never a good idea. Your partner needs time to digest the information before seeing you in full regalia.

3. Approach from the standpoint, "I'd like to share something important with you…" There's no need to denigrate yourself by announcing a "problem" or an "issue." Disclosure is already an emotionally charged process. Negative terminology can only make it more difficult. Speak in positive terms, and get to the point quickly.

4. Allow your spouse some room. If you sense they're being overloaded with information, stop. You're asking your partner to digest something huge, so give them time. Remember, you've had years to think over your feelings. Your spouse hasn't had the same opportunity.

5. Answer your partner's questions honestly. You're likely to be questioned about your sexual preferences, and whether you have considered surgery. Be truthful and open with your answers. At this vulnerable point in the relationship, honesty is paramount.

6. Reassure your spouse. Partners often fear they did something wrong in the relationship to cause such behavior. Let your spouse know that cross dressing is a part of who you are, and not reflective of anything they did or didn't do. If you love and fully intend to spend the rest of your life with your spouse, say so.

7. Accommodate your spouse if they request to see you transform, but don't try forcing acceptance. Some spouses want to see the transformation right away. Others take a few months, and some choose never to see their partner cross dressed. Allow your spouse to decide when and if they'll meet your other self.

Tips & Warnings

• The initial reaction from your spouse isn't necessarily a lasting one. Don't be discouraged--you're entering uncharted territory in the relationship. Give each other time to adjust. In some cases, trusting a spouse with such an intimate secret can make a marriage even stronger.

Resources

• Find support information with Tri-Ess. (The Society for the Second Self)
• Find support information with The Renaissance Transgender Association.