How to Fight The Good Fight

Fighting among married couples is natural. However, venting anger is bad for the relationship - it creates stress and destroys harmony. For your marriage to grow, you have to learn to argue constructively - to fight the "good" fight.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. PITFALL TO AVOID: You must learn to recognize and avoid the following communication pitfalls that lead to destructive fight when you start arguing: 1. Not listening. 2. Generalizing and not sticking to the point. 3. Not recognizing and controlling the larger issues at stake. 4. Not knowing how to set the ground rules for a constructive argument.
2. GROUND RULES FOR A "GOOD" FIGHT: 1. Bring out into the open anything that upsets you. For conversation to work, both parties have to be ready for it. You may set aside an evening when you can meet in a quite place and discuss important matters about your marriage and your family. Topics could include: house rules, financial policies, vacation plans, etc. 2. Call a "time-out" when the discussion heats up. When anger has completely taken over you, you tend to say things that don't mean and then regret them later. A "time-out" allows you to cool down before resuming the discussion. 3. Go straight to the point. Stick to the problem and state it clearly. Don't generalize to say... "you always...". Attack the problem, not the person. 4. Don't monopolize the discussion. Give your partner a chance to speak. 5. Say what you mean. Don't beat around the bush. Your partner cannot read your mind. Explain what you feel - so that he or she can understand. 6. Listen. When it's your partner turn to speak, pay attention. Concentrate on listening to what your partner is saying and not on planning what to say next. This is the only way to really get a grasp of the problem and know how to resolve it. 7. Work two-gether (hand-in-hand; heart-to-heart) to resolve the conflict.
3. Kiss and make up... remember the song "Love is lovelier the second time around".