How to Be a Cheat

We all have our virtues--and perhaps virtue itself isn't one of yours. You want to cheat. Whether that means having an affair, tricking your buddies out of the poker pile or pulling one over on your social studies teacher, cheating is a skill that has to be cultivated. Tuning out the angel on your shoulder isn't easy for everyone, but it can be done.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Decide what you really want. When you are cheating, this involves making an important choice: the choice between marital harmony and the thrill of taking off a stranger's bra; the choice of academic integrity vs. praise for an "A" you didn't earn, the freedom of not worrying about the hidden cameras vs. the satisfaction of getting something for nothing. Once you proceed past this step, you can't go back, so choose wisely.

2. Develop a cheating plan. If you want to cheat on your spouse, schedule a time and place for the rendezvous and get a secret cell phone number, if necessary. Devise a scheme for sneaking crib notes into class or however else it is that you plan to trick people.

3. Assess your plan for holes. Research ways other people have cheated successfully and unsuccessfully to avoid making mistakes. Resist the thrill of risky cheating, such as sex in your marital bed an hour before your husband comes home from work. If your goal is to cheat, prevent getting caught.

4. Keep your eye on the prize. Feelings of guilt and fear of getting caught will tempt anyone who is not a sociopath to stray from their plan. If your goal truly is to enjoy the fruits of cheating, don't listen to your conscience. When you imagine the pain on your wife's face, instead focus on your lover's body; think of the thrill of money rather than worrying about how the honest family you are stealing from will survive without it.

5. Be prepared to get caught. Most cheaters do. So have the phone number for a good divorce lawyer or criminal attorney in place. Emotionally prepare yourself for consequences such as school expulsion and hatred from family members and friends.

Tips & Warnings

• The consequences of cheating can include regret, heartbreak, divorce, estrangement from children, bankruptcy, prison, expulsion from school, social shunning, revenge killings, and, according to your individual religious beliefs, eternal damnation.

[c0ld]

on 4/4/2008 2 words, CHEAP HOOKERS!!