How to Deal With Bible Thumpers

Turn the tables on bible thumpers. You're not interested in hearing how you're damned if you don't see the light. Unfortunately, this doesn't stop people from "saving" you and "giving" you the "benefit" of the Lord's word. This is a perfect time to introduce them to an alternate theory--and drive their group away from you.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1. Study Ancient Astronaut theory. This theory proposes that God, gods, goddesses, the angels, the devil and demons were ancient astronauts. There's enough literature out there that compares god's equipment with modern day technology. Or something more advanced. Read until you feel like an expert on this theory.

2. Answer the door. If you see religious types, step outside, close the door behind you, and greet them. Listen to what they say. Chances are, they're going to invite you to a religious discussion group, convert you, or try to save you. It doesn't matter what religion you are, they think their sect is the right one.

3. Pretend that you're letting their message sink into your mind. Ask them if we're the center of God's creation. If they say, "yes," then ask that if we're the center of God's creation, and if God created the Universe, why is it that the Sun, and not the Earth, is the center of the Solar system. If they correct you and say that we're the highest order, ask them why aliens seem to have mastered interstellar travel when we're struggling to return to the moon. Bring the discussion back to ancient astronauts to prove your point.

4. Tell them how Adam's rib reminds you of a beaker. Back that position by informing them that some places in Southeast Asia claim that the first people came from bamboos. Let them know that segmented bamboos look like beakers, and that the first humans were test tube babies. The best way to create someone in your image is to give them your genetic traits.

5. Continue with your speech. Talk about how God moved around in the Old Testament. Remind them that clouds don't glow at night, don't land with precision, don't fire with precision, and don't let out flood light strength lighting when their "doors" open. Conclude for them that the cloud that led them out of Egypt was actually a space ship.

6. Keep impressing them with your doctorate level of knowledge about ancient astronauts until they deem your address a no go zone--or they walk away from you.

Tips & Warnings

• Many passages in the bible hint at advanced technology. For example, Noah's "dove" could be an air drone with artificial intelligence, more advanced than what we're using today. He also needed a communication devise to keep in touch with God.
• Someone powerful enough to "create" the world shouldn't need to ride inside a "cloud" to get around.
• Some bible thumpers forget why they're out "saving" souls and could lose their temper. Politely thank them for giving you a visit and end the conversation.

Resources

• Crysta Links offers ancient astronaut information.
• Earth Matrix provides information about a Mayan depiction of one of their gods, similar to modern day astronaut.

[paboreal]

on 1/28/2009 I get that training when I want it, not when someone comes knocking on my door. My wife practices an Asian religion, our marriage is doing great. Those spirit house religious rituals are awesome. Kids were brought up good before Christianity. Ancient Astronaut and Mars Anomaly research provides lots of uses. I don't mind hurting the bible thumper's feelings if they don't mind inconveniencing me. Helping the elderly neighbor? Let me ask my Humanitarian Service Medal that question.

[focus123]

on 9/14/2008 But what if you could actually learn something valuable from the "bible thumper"? Will the astronaut theory actually help you in your marriage? Will it help you train you children properly? Does it provide anything useful to anyone? Would it bother you if you hurt the bible thumper's feelings? Wouldn't helping an elderly neighbor be a better investment of your energy?