How to Treat a Step-Daughter's Children

Getting along with a step-daughter can be tricky business. There are several variables, including age and disposition, that affect how well the relationship develops. But when your step-daughter has children of her own, your step-grandchildren, your instinct may be avoidance. Knowing how to treat your step-daughter's children during their visits can make life in a blended family easier.

Instructions

1. Plan ahead. Sit down with your step-daughter and discuss how your interactions with her children should go. Decide what they should call you, and assure her that she retains supreme parental authority.

2. Schedule visits. The first couple of visits should include your step-daughter. Observe how she interacts with the children and how she handles discipline. When there's a question, always defer to her judgment. If the children want ice cream, tell them you'll have to ask their mother and abide by her wishes. If your step-daughter forbids candy, don't give her children candy. This is an important point that will help avoid friction between you.

3. Establish your house rules. Make clear to your step-daughter and her children that certain rooms in your house are off limits, food doesn't belong in the living room, there's no running in the house or whatever is important to you. These rules may differ from their house rules, so the children (and maybe your step-daughter) may need reminders to reinforce your house rules during each visit.

4. Create fun times. Decide what the children can do at your house that's fun and age-appropriate for them. Get some toys or games they like and keep them in a special place. The kids will quickly learn where their toys are when they come to visit. Establish regular activities you do with them, from reading books to baking cookies. This way the children know what to expect when they visit, and they'll look forward to it.

5. Keep the peace. Avoid creating or allowing tension between your step-daughter and her children. Learn to diffuse any negative comments, replacing them with neutral statements. Take every opportunity to reinforce to the children what a good mother they have. For instance, when they proudly display new sneakers, remind them what a great mother they have for buying those sneakers.

6. Be positive and loving. Put any tension you've experienced with your step-daughter aside when dealing with her children. Do what you can to support her parenting efforts by offering to watch the children for her when she needs a break. Take advantage of this opportunity to develop your relationship with your step-daughter on a whole new level.