How to Christen a Boat

A new boat is a lot like a new girlfriend. Exciting and fun, with the ability to monopolize all your time and suck your wallet dry. You must christen your boat with a name befitting her personality. Make no mistake-this is serious stuff.

Instructions

1. Look at her honestly before choosing a name. The name of your boat equates to your new nickname on the sea, and you must be able to say it in mixed company while maintaining a straight face. That said, unless your boat is the biggest one in the marina, don't get too cocky.

2. Try the name out on family and friends before making it permanent. Heed what they say. If they tell you it's too cutesy or offensive, change it. Mariners have long held the belief that it's bad luck to change the name of a boat. Get it right the first time. File the appropriate paperwork, then proceed to Step 3 if you're re-naming the boat. If naming a new vessel for the first time, skip to Step 4.

3. Remove even the tiniest trace of the old name from your vessel. Stickers, log books, memorabilia, everything. If it's printed on the life vests, buy new ones. You must never utter the old name again. Even sailors who scoff at superstition speak in hushed tones about boat re-naming. If you must do it, then do it right.

4. Invite your friends to a boat christening. Give a short speech, telling the boat what her new name is. Remember to talk directly to the boat, or she'll feel left out. (You know how women are.) Feel free to have a member of clergy bless the vessel and those who sail her. Bring 2 of the finest bottles of champagne you can't afford. (You can't afford them because the boat sucked up all your cash, remember?)

5. Offer the first bottle of champagne to the boat and the gods of the sea. (Not superstitious? Do it anyway. Your boat might be-you just never know.) Raise the bottle in toast, then pour champagne across the hull. Walk around, pouring champagne into the water from every side of the boat. Offer the entire bottle in good spirit without drinking a drop. (You can cry over the cost later. Wait until no one's looking.)

6. Spend time with the boat after everyone has gone. Call her by name, stroke her instruments, and tell her she is the most important woman in your life. Women like that kind of thing.

Tips & Warnings

• Never smash a bottle against the hull like they do in the movies. It won't break, just make an embarrassing thud. Besides, if you clubbed your girlfriend with a champagne bottle, chances are she'd try to drown you too.

Resources

• Read this Article in Spanish
• Find boat name ideas online.