How to Pet a Mean Cat

In the quest for evolutionary superiority, humans developed large, complex brains. Cats developed efficient, razor-sharp claws. Though they may be fluffy, darling and otherwise irresistible from a distance, some anti-social cat behavior may prevent you from getting close. You must use that hefty brain of yours if you'd like to pet a mean cat. Read on to learn how.

Instructions

1. Approach your cat while he is relaxed and lounging on his stomach. Unless they are feral, most cats like affection once in a while. The easiest trick is to get them while they have their guard down. If Fluffy is grooming, eating or just come from harassing the neighborhood squirrels, he will have his guard up.

2. Use the old bait and switch. If you are dealing with the kind of cat that is always ready for a fight, use your wits. Get her focused on your left hand by moving it about, then quickly stroke her head with your right. This only works for a split second.

3. Pick the cat up. Perhaps while employing the distraction technique with one hand, use the other to quickly take hold of the cat around his midsection and lift him into your arms. Cradling him like a baby with his paws pointing up renders him defenseless.

4. Wait for her to come to you. This works especially well if your cat is allowed outdoors. When she saunters over, whining at you to open the door, make her an offer she can't refuse.

5. Offer seafood in exchange for love. Though it could leave you wondering who has the upper-hand on whom, cats can be very sensible about appeasing the hand that feeds them tuna.

6. Bring out the catnip. Though it may feel like cheating to drug your cat, he'll be having too much fun to mind.

Tips & Warnings

• Though these steps offer a quick fix to pet a cat, the best pet/owner relationships are fostered by constant care and respect for your companion animal.

• Under no circumstance should you attempt to pet a mean or feral cat when it is lying on its back. In this position, it is very easy for the cat to grab your arm with its forepaws while kicking up at you with its hind paws. Scarring may result.

• Don't harass your cat. Though it is fun to toy with a cat's ego once in a while, constantly poking at your pet is cruel and will reinforce his mean behavior.