How to Deal With a Sexually Active Teen

It's pretty devastating to learn that your teen is having sex. You thought you were clear on your views of premarital sex and were open about the dangers and risks involved. Yet somehow you've just become the parent of a sexually active teen and have no idea how to deal with this terrifying situation. Try not to panic--there is help available, beginning with the following information.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Communicate as the first step to understanding. This incorporates sharing your feelings about your teen's decision as well as listening to her reasoning. If it's not possible to talk when you first learn that your teen is having sex, then wait a while to calm down and choose a time and place to discuss the situation calmly.

2. Make no assumptions about your teen's sex life. Just because he has decided to take this step does not mean that he knows all there is to know about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. To the contrary, assume he knows nothing about birth control and STDs, and start from scratch.

3. Educate your teen. Again, assuming nothing; talk about contraception and STDs and provide as much written information as possible. While it's okay to reiterate your views on her choice to start having sex, try to remain in the present. You can't go back in time, and unless she makes the decision to stop having sex, she needs to be responsible.

4. Accept your teen's need for privacy. It will be hard to avoid trying to force your teen into telling you everything as you struggle to come to terms with this change in his life. Remember that respect is critical at this juncture if you are to keep as open a relationship as possible and to maintain his trust.

5. Offer your support. As hard as this is, to keep your teen safe and healthy, you must do it. Offer to make appointments with a trusted physician and to accompany your teen to the doctor. Whether male or female, your teen should have a complete physical and be prescribed contraceptives.

6. Provide alternate adult assistance. Your teen may not feel comfortable coming to you with certain aspects of her sex life, so be sure to give her names of trusted adults who can step in and listen to your teen. This could be a doctor, relative, school employee or clergy, but make sure that your teen knows she has someone else to go to who will keep the information confidential, even from you.

7. Say it's not okay to get carried away. Despite the fact that your teen's sexual status is more open now and you've talked about it, make sure to repeat the importance of protection. Tell him that having sex just once without a condom can lead to pregnancy or STDs, and that not using a condom because he gets caught up in the heat of the moment is unacceptable. Let him know that if he's mature enough to have sex, he's mature enough to take the time to use a condom.

Tips & Warnings

• When having your initial discussion with your teen, try to be as open, honest and direct with her as possible when explaining your feelings.
• Try to use the "I feel" approach rather than the "You are" approach to discussion.
• Let your teen know that even though you've already talked about sex, he can come to you whenever he is hurting or confused about his decision.
• Don't lecture your teen when you find out she's sexually active. No one likes to be talked down to, and this method will surely shut her ears to anything you have to say.
• Don't underestimate the power of an apology. If you blow up initially, when you resume talking, say you're sorry for your earlier reaction. Your teen will appreciate it and feel more valued and respected.

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[panflootz]

on 2/2/2008 I liked your article because, as someone who has been in this situation, I was grateful to read something non-judgmental. I was initially truly startled when my child confided in me, but then again, truly grateful that she felt free to do so. The challenge for me from this point is to find a way to not worry about pregnancy, despite the fact we took care of getting pills, discussing the future and how pregnancy would change it, etc. Part of me is still angry at the boyfriend even tho I'm fully cognizant that it's a mutual decision they made after much discussion. They seem so mature in some ways, so immature in others. Anyway, thanks for writing something.