How to Discipline a College Age Daughter

As your daughter begins to exercise independence, you may find your relationship with her challenging. Whether your college age daughter is living away at school or at home, discipline issues will require a different approach than the one you took when she was a teenager.

Instructions

1. Choose your battles. A situation that threatens your daughter's well-being, such as substance abuse, takes a different approach than annoying habits that affect the household when she comes home for break.

2. Remember that your daughter is growing up and learning to make her own decisions. Think about the issue. It may be something that she needs to deal with on her own before you discipline her.

3. Think about your approach before acting. Play out the conversation in your head or write down the points you want to make, along with the consequences you plan to set down. These discussions can get emotional, and both of you might say things you do not mean.

4. Listen, then talk. If communication does not seem to be working because of the distance, take a few days to visit your daughter at school. If she is home, allow time for her to speak before setting out your concerns and consequences.

5. Make respect a non-negotiable demand. Respect works both ways, so show your respect for her growing independence-and ask that you get it in return. Say respect is your first expectation and a tool for success in life.

6. Remember to praise when appropriate. A relationship with ongoing discipline issues benefits from praise for even the smallest accomplishments and good behavior. Positive reinforcement works at this age too.

7. Make the consequences fit the infraction. A major response is withdrawing financial support; a smaller response is taking away car keys. Talk through the consequences before you impose them.

8. Respond immediately. Especially when your daughter is at home, tell her right away if music is too loud or the house is too cluttered with her things. You are still a role model for reasonable responses.

9. Don't stop trying. Your daughter is still learning to reason and rationalize. It may take a few attempts, especially when it comes to lifestyle and academic issues.

Tips & Warnings

• Many colleges have guides for parents to help with understanding the changes daughters are experiencing. They are often posted on college websites.

• Do not delay when it comes to extreme behavior that is out of character. Depression and other mental health conditions need immediate attention. Most colleges offer psychological services.

• Serious consequences such as withdrawing financial support or asking your daughter to move out may produce a reaction that lasts longer than you intended. Proceed with caution.

Resources

• Dickinson College provides an online parents guide.