How to Support a Loved One through Infertility

Babies, babies everywhere... or almost everywhere. When a loved one is dealing with infertility it a disease that will affect every friend, acquaintance and loved one as well as the diagnosed individual. If you are that loved one, you need as much guidance as you can find to provide support along the way. Every move you make, and every step you take can be either a pillar of support or horribly insensitive. This guide will help you avoid the common missteps.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• compassion
• empathy
• education
• patience

1. Being trusted with the emotions of infertility shouldn't be taken lightly. Understand the Power You Have: If you have been told of a loved one's infertility diagnosis, this is a huge responsibility. You must understand that you have been entrusted with private information about one of the most intimate aspects of a person's life. Prior to knowing of this friend's infertility, any insensitive comments could have been chalked up as ignorance. Before you do or say anything, sit with this knowledge. From here on out you are responsible for every word that comes from you. You want them to be the right words; carefully chosen and with the greatest intention. Be honored that this information has been entrusted with you. Chances are you are in the minority in terms of who's "in the know."
2. Giving advice might seem helpful, but it can hurt. Don't Tell Them How To Get Pregnant: Often times people think that the only way to help is to heal. In terms of infertility, this can mean that people want to help the infertile person conceive a baby. Simply put, if it were as easy as having intercourse this person would not be diagnosed as infertile. Understand that before receiving this diagnosis, your infertile friend was probably put through the wringer of testing, much of which would have been invasive emotionally and physically. Unless you have a degree in reproductive endocrinology, your helpful advice will probably not be received well. Mentioning timed intercourse, herbal therapies, yoga, prayer, or other such 'remedies' may push your infertile friend away. Please understand that more likely than not they have already tried all of the above or at least considered them. What they need from you is friendship, not advice.
3. A vacation is not a proven method of conception for infertiles. No Devaluing Comments: Any piece of advice that involves the word "just" will only trivialize a painful experience. These include any variation of the following:
   "Why don't you just adopt?" ~ 'just adopt' can cost upwards of tens of thousands of dollars depending on where you adopt from and what you use in terms of a facilitator, agency or lawyer. Most infertiles who have gone through procedures not covered by insurance do not have that kind of money. Besides this, adoption is a personal choice and not a quick fix to infertility.
   "Just Relax" ~ It is well documented that infertility causes stress. Stress is NOT the cause of infertility. Infertility is a physical disease. It is not a psychosomatic response to the desire to parent. An infertile may have blocked fallopian tubes, poor egg quality, no or non-viable sperm, immune conditions and the list could go on. Relaxation, vacations or other such nonsense is not going to magically correct these conditions.
4. Time to rejoice can be a vulnerable time for someone struggling to conceive. Be Sensitive to Holidays: While the fertile world cries over birth announcements and sleeps in on Mother's Day, so too does the infertile. However, they cry for their inability to produce what seems to easy for others, and they sleep in because there are no children to jump on the bed and lavish them with kisses and breakfast. Be aware that holidays and announcements of any kind will be a reminder of the infertile's futile attempts at family. Try the best you can to not pressure their attendance at functions such as showers, parties, and other such festivities. If they attend, support them, but when they don't, know it is out of self preservation, not selfishness.
5. Reading and researching will show your desire to understand. Research: If your infertile friend confides their specific diagnosis, try to read up on what that means. Do a bit of research before asking a million questions. This will let your friend know that you are not just interested, but willing to be involved. Research is not limited to just the medical diagnosis. Read a memoir of someone else's experience. Books such as "The Empty Picture Frame" are written to provide a backstage pass to the heart and body of an infertile during treatment.