How to Help an Adopted Older Child With Attachment
Older adopted children often have the most trouble attaching to their new parents. This is usually because of the bad experiences they have had in their young lives and the inconsistent care they received from other adults. Taking the time to help your adopted older child attach will greatly benefit both you and him and will help you as you work to become a family.
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Instructions
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Remember that older adopted children usually take longer to attach because attachment may be more difficult for them than for babies. Older children usually have had several caregivers who have moved on for various reasons. At first, your older adopted child will probably expect that you will also leave her.
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During the first few days with your child, begin to establish routines so that he will know what to expect. Also give him responsibilities within the family such as specific chores or feeding the family pet. This will help him feel that he has a place in the family and that he belongs.
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Try to keep your schedule free at first to allow for lots of one-on-one time together. Simple things like playing a game together, baking cookies or reading a book aloud can begin to help your child be more comfortable with you and begin to attach.
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Laugh and be silly together. Encourage "inside jokes" within the family and develop traditions that everyone can participate in.
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Keep your commitments and promises. For a child who has frequently been let down by other adults, a broken promise can be much more upsetting than it might be for a child who has never had this experience. Be someone your child can count on to do what you say you will do.
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Take every opportunity for physical contact, starting with just simple things such as a pat on the shoulder or a high five. Some kids may not want to be hugged or cuddled right away, while others will crave that attention. Work to be physically close to your adopted child as a way to encourage emotional closeness as well.
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Be patient and give it time. Older adopted children have many issues and past baggage to deal with. She may lash out at you in an effort to push you away and see if you will really stay in her life. Love your child even when she tries to be unlovable and she will begin to see that she truly does belong.
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Comments
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I think sometimes we exect too little from our adopted child. Our adopted 9 year old is now almost 12. At first she was a cold fish and we loved and showered her with time, praise and activities. She didn't utter the word Mom or Dad for over a year. Many people said don't push her and it's "normal and expected" she would feel distant. As a counsellor I decided t push. I talked to her about how challening it would be for her to make the switch later as she was ettig use to my first name. I expressed I felt she might regret not having someone to call Mo and Dada and that it "outted" us always when things were other wise starting to look comfotable. She didn't bite at first and we backed off, but went back to I softly llowing her to dcided "when was righ" and play around with names she felt more comfortable with. Eventually we just would occasionally remind her andshe started using te Mom and dada names. Now she says she is very hapy she cas us Mom and Daa and couldn't imagine not calling s M&D. Her little sister had no trouble but as adopted at 5.... alll the diffrence in the world. The eldest never uses the "L" word. I am considering ushig a littlehere too but would tread more gently. I think it's a healthy way to give back and gives hem skills totake these kind of risks in their personal lives later. What do others think?
