How to Fight Zombies

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Fight Zombies
Fight Zombies

How to Fight Zombies. We've all seen the movies. Clearly, almost every American has been personally touched by the growing epidemic of zombie infestation. However, you can easily resist these monsters since they are slow witted and usually rotting from the inside-out. Follow these steps so that you're ready when the battle begins.

Identify the source of the zombie infestation. Are the zombies caused by magic (demonic army, cursed and blinded Knights Templar, or college kids experimenting with necromancy) or science (experimental chemicals, disease, aliens)? Although zombies generally behave the same no matter what their origin, magic-based zombies are notoriously hard to kill while science-based zombies are often infectious.

Choose weapons carefully. Machine guns, although very manly, are often ineffective. The best anti-zombie tactic is to separate the head from the body; even magical zombies that will not be killed by this have their effectiveness greatly reduced. Head cleaving weapons such as machetes, chain saws and Chinese pudao (or horse-cutting swords) are highly effective but require short range confrontation which is dangerous if the zombies are infectious. Shotguns are a great way to remove zombie heads, making them effective and fun to use. They are often slow to reload, which can be dangerous. Fire and explosions are great ways to destroy the walking dead, but care must be used. At least 3 major forest fires and countless house fires have been caused by the aimless flailing of the burning zombies.

Drive into zombies as often as possible. They will not move out of the way of oncoming traffic and rarely pay attention to traffic rules. It is best to use a taller, heavier vehicle (SUVs are great for this, as are so-called "monster trucks") to inflict maximum damage and minimize the occurrences of zombie corpses rolling over the hood and through the windshield. Zombies do not have any money, so it is advisable to check with the company insuring the vehicle before engaging in anti-zombie driving.

Avoid humanizing the fiends. Although the body may have once been used by Aunt June or a favorite pet, it is now simply a meat suit worn by evil--evil that is looking for brains to snack on and will not care about relationships the previous occupant had established. Zombies look upon humans in the same way drunken sports fans look upon nachos and hot wings.

Use cunning and guile to trick zombies. The main advantages of the zombie are overwhelming numbers, lack of fear and the inability to feel pain. They are rarely any smarter than brain damaged squirrels and do not move nearly as quickly. One should use their superior human intellect to devise simple traps such as luring a zombie mass (known as a flock... zombies, like sheep, travel in flocks) into a room and then simply locking it. Zombies are also easily distracted for brief periods by popular television shows and shopping malls.

Confront the zombies when necessary and remove head from body. Damaging limbs may slow a zombie down or reduce their overall combat effectiveness, but this tends to be a stalling tactic. Remember, zombie fighting can be a long and grueling process so try to make of game of it!

Tips & Warnings

  • Although zombie fighting is often fun, it can be dangerous. Observe all standard safety rules when using guns and swords. The undead are no excuse for personal irresponsibility!

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