How to Embalm a Mummy

Losing a loved one is difficult enough without worrying about whether or not the person will be granted passage to the afterlife. While mummification isn't a necessity, it's believed to increase the likelihood of immortality. Trouble is, mummification is a dead art, no pun intended. Chances of finding a mummification service in the yellow pages are slim. Don't worry! Just follow these instructions, and you can embalm your own mummy!

Things You'll Need

• Brain hook
• Sacred obsidian blade (or a sharp knife)
• 4 canopic jars
• Anointing oils and spices such as myrrh
• Approximately 500 lbs. natron
• Several gallons of resin
• Approximately 600 ft. of linen strips
• Sawdust
• Protective amulet (optional)
• The favor of Anubis, the God of Embalming and Guide to the Afterlife
• Ceremonial mummy mask (optional)

Instructions

1. Wash and purify the corpse with water. Waters of the Nile are preferred, but regular purified water will work if none can be obtained.

2. Make a small incision in the left side of the body using the obsidian blade or knife. Carefully remove the lungs, stomach, intestines, and liver. The heart, being the core of intelligence and emotion, remains in the body.

3. Wash the organs and coat with natron. After wrapping the organs in strips of linen, place them in their respective canopic jars-one each for lungs, stomach, intestines and liver. The entrails must be cured so they will be available to the deceased after crossing over.

4. Wash out the body cavity with purified water, scented oils and spices. Pack the cavity with dry natron to preserve the body's tissue.

5. Remove the brains via nasal cavity using the brain hook. Be careful not to damage the facial structure during this lobotomy process. Discard the brain, as it is considered unimportant and will therefore not be needed in the afterlife.

6. Place the corpse on a slanted table and cover with roughly 400 lbs. of natron. Let it rest in the natron for about 40 days. It's a good idea to keep someone at guard during this process to ward off scavengers.

7. Remove the body from the natron pile and take the natron out of the body cavity. The deceased should be well dried and relatively shrunken at this point of the procedure. Cleanse the deceased a final time.

8. Stuff the corpse with sawdust and linen scraps to retain lifelike posture. Sew up the body cavity incision.

9. Wrap the mummy in resin-coated linen strips. Fingers and toes should be wrapped individually. Thoroughly wrap extremities and move on to the torso and head. There should be a minimum of 20 layers, with the final layer wrapping the entire body. Coat the entire mummy with a last coat of resin.

10. Adorn the mummy with the ceremonial mask and place the protective amulet over the heart. The mummy is now preserved and ready for spiritual ascension to the other world.

Tips & Warnings

• If resurrection is a top priority for you and your mummy, consider having a priest, preferably wearing an Anubis mask, perform the Opening of the Mouth Ceremony before entombment. Without this, there can be no guarantee the deceased will be able to see, hear or eat in the afterlife.

• Nothing beats a good curse for preventing tomb raiders from robbing your mummy blind, so to speak.

• Don't forget to provide the deceased with all of the necessary provisions for comfortable transition. A happy afterlife depends on having an ample supply of such things as food, furniture and trinkets. Failure to provide these things could result in a resurrected mummy bent on vengeance.