How to Be a Gangsta

In the immortal words of the Geto Boys, or at least a PG-rated paraphrase, "Darn, it feels good to be a gangsta." After all, is there a more pure personification of the American Dream than the gangster, whether old school like Al Capone with a baseball bat or new school like Tony Montana and his little friend? America loves the can-do attitude and self reliance of the gangster, so it is only natural to mix it with today's driving beats and hot fashions of hip-hop to create the gangsta, the ultimate embodiment of American cool to be embraced by suburban kids across America.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Choose a gangsta name. In days past, fashion has demanded that such gangsta names were elaborate pseudonyms crafted of misspelled words and hyphens. Today's gangsta names are much more diverse. If unable to create a suitable gangsta name, ask chums from the neighborhood (or "homies") to give you a nickname. Phrases like "chill," "dog" and "money" are often good to use; avoid names like "Carlton," "Bryant" and "Vanilla Ice."
2. Learn to use the gangsta lingo. Word. If the local community college does not offer classes, then use resources such as Urban Dictionary or watch reruns of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" (see Resources below). A great first step is to always add "dog" to a sentence when addressing others. It's easy and fun to do, dog.
3. Buy very large pants but not a belt. Wear nice underwear, preferably boxers. Real gangstas do not have dirty drawers!
4. Invest in a quality set of poorly-done tattoos. The more they look like they were received in prison with a tattoo gun rigged from an old ink pen, the better! Popular gangsta tattoo choices include praying hands, portraits of Tupac and Biggie, pictures of one's dogs and, of course, your own name.
5. Pick a quality gangsta role model from television and imitate everything he does. If unsure where to find a gangsta role model, go to a favorite music video channel.
6. Remember that nothing says "gangsta" like a mouth full of gold teeth, especially if they are studded with diamonds that actually spell out the word "gangsta."
7. Enjoy the newfound street credibility and the respect that the gangsta lifestyle brings, but always remember that struggle going on across the bleak city streets, which you have probably heard of through the jams on your 80-gig video iPod.