How to Confess Adultery to Your Wife

The statistics of unfaithful spouses is staggering--and now you've joined the statistics. You want to make amends but aren't even sure how to start. Take a close look at yourself and your actions, before oyu begin the discussion. The outcome isn't guaranteed to save your marriage, but you may ultimately have a better understanding of yourself, our marriage may even be stronger by the end.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

1. Think about the reason you cheated. If you understand why you did it, you will be able to discuss the event more clearly. Avoiding blaming your spouse for your actions. There may have been a break down in your relationship that led to the affair, but the decision to cheat rather than work on your marriage was your decision.
2. Decide what you want. If you cheated because you want to leave your wife, face up to that fact and be ready to talk to her about a divorce. (If you want to leave, it may even be better not to tell her about cheating--unless she will find out if you do not.) If you cheated in a moment of weakness, acknowledge how important your wife is to you.
3. Tell her sooner rather than later. There is no right time or place to tell your wife you cheated and the longer you wait to tell her, the worse it may be. She will be angry that you had this secret, and you will grow apart from her if you keep it.
4. Divulge the truth. Don't lie about what happened, no matter how difficult the truth is. She will probably find out later, which will be more damaging to her trust and your relationship.
5. Share the details if she asks, but avoid being graphic or emotional in the telling of the story. She may think she wants to know exactly what happened, but that's rarely less painful. Use your own judgment. Don't share details that may cause more hurt, but don't refuse to answer a question.
6. Accept your wife's anger and hurt. Let her be emotional and accept whatever she feels. Don't get defensive or try to blame her for your actions. Instead, be there for your wife and let her know that you love her.
7. Apologize sincerely. You've lost her trust and it will take effort on your part to win it back. A half-hearted apology or a bouquet of flowers isn't going to do it. Look inside yourself to find out why you are sorry it happened and speak to her from that place.
8. Work together. If you want to stay with your wife, commit to working through the problem. Marriage counseling may be a good idea, and she will appreciate you introducing the idea.

Tips & Warnings

• If your wife needs time alone or with friends after you confess, give her that time. It's a natural part of her healing process.
• Marriage counseling requires intense commitment, but your relationship will be stronger if you go through it.
• If the woman you cheated with is a friend or acquaintance, make your boundaries clear. Let your wife know you had this talk with the other woman.
• Don't compare your wife to the other woman, or vice versa. Even if you mean it to be a compliment, she will resent your comparison.