How to Be a Feeling Detective

When a child is upset he needs your kind attention to help him calm down.

Since kids don't have the emotional maturity or verbal skills to tell you when they're hurt, sad, lonely, embarrassed, or afraid you have to be a "feeling detective" to figure it out. Children cry, pout, hit and use other forms of physical expression when they're angry, tired, or upset. Often when a child is restless, uncooperative, hitting, yelling, crying, whining, bouncing up and down, swearing, or unable to sit still, that's an indication that the child either has needs that are being ignored or that he doesn't now how to handle what he is feeling. Here are some ways that you can help a child figure out what is going on inside.

Instructions

1. Give your undivided attention. Many problems escalate because of miscommunication or because the parent doesn't take the time to figure out what the child is feeling or thinking. When a child is upset, he needs your attention.

2. When a child is upset, he wants you to figure out what he is upset about and what is troubling him. That's because he has a reason for feeling the way he does, and if someone at least understands he won't feel alone.

3. Being a feeling detective involves playing a guessing game to discover what your child is upset about. For example, "Are you disappointed because you didn't get to play at the park?" or "Were you worried because you missed the bus?"

4. When a child is upset instead of saying "That is nothing to be upset about, you can move toward a calming solution by beginning the conversation with, "You must have had a bad day."

5. Validate that the child's feelings under the circumstances are normal. Never ridicule, make fun of, or pooh-pooh feeling. "I understand that you are upset. It's okay, we all get upset."

6. Educate about feelings. Children need to learn that feelings are normal The need to learn healthy ways to express these feelings too. As a parent you are the feeling detective, coach, and advisor.

Tips & Warnings

• Books are a great way to allow young children to identify with characters in stressful situations and learn how they cope. Some titles include Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst; Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert, Chuck DeKlyen, and Taylor Bills.