How to Pass for Straight

Being gay is not a problem, but it might be problematic with people who might not know (or understand), when you don't want to spend a week reconciling them to your orientation. Example: Is your Aunt Gertrude passing through on her once-in-a-decade basis? One of your conservative clients visiting from Kentucky? Is a case worker coming by for a home study because of your impending foreign adoption? Passing for heterosexual is easier than you might think. While anyone with decent gaydar might pick you out of a crowd, the average straight person assumes everyone is like them unless they're faced with a "screaming queen" waving a rainbow flag or a woman wearing a t-shirt spelling out the word “Dyke” in capital letters. Just in case you need to play it straight for a day or two, follow these simple steps to learn how to pass for a breeder.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Pink lipstick
• Impractical purse
• Impractical shoes
• Christian cross on a chain
• Sports insignia-covered clothes

For Lesbians

1. Wear pink lipstick. No self-respecting lesbian wears pink lipstick, even if she sells Mary Kay in her spare time.
2. Carry an impractical purse with a chain handle, a snap catch and it's smaller than a sandwich. Even bull dykes know that zippers keep thieves out and checkbooks in, and that a chain handle will break at the first fumble for a pen. Plus, there must be room for tampons, credit cards and a cell phone.
3. Wear a cross. While lesbians come in every denomination (Christian, Jew, Muslim), your average straight person will assume a cross-carrying Christian can’t be gay.
4. Mention a boyfriend, husband or fiancé. Heterosexual assumption dictates that every woman wants one, why would you be any different unless you say so?
5. Skip sensible shoes. Remember Robin Williams in “Good Morning, Vietnam”? Everyone knows that lesbians wear sensible footwear, so tripping along in kitten heels should fool the world.

For Gay Men

6. Get dirty. Gay men are clean and tidy, according to conventional wisdom, so skipping a shower every other day and smudging your glasses should mark you as straight.
7. Mention a girlfriend, wife or fiancée frequently, but do so in an off-hand, taking-her-for-granted way. Most straight men talk about their wives less ardently than most gay men talk about their female friends.
8. Wear your team affiliation on your chest. While a gay man may love baseball, football, soccer or basketball as much as a straight man, he seldom feels he has to dress like a groupie to say, “Go team!” Wearing sweatshirts, baseball caps or torn t-shirts sporting a team insignia will effectively mask homosexuality among strangers.
9. Hide your light under a bushel. Shuffle, slouch, avoid eye contact, rhythmic movement or breaking out in song. Straight men tend to be less expressive than gay men, with the exception of theater majors, who are all assumed gay anyway, no matter what their girlfriends say.
10. Mess up your home. If you have to pass as a straight guy on your home turf, make sure it is unkempt, untidy and smells of testosterone. Invite over a handful of your heterosexual male friends beforehand to stink up the place if you're too fastidious to add odor on your own.

Tips & Warnings

• Always remove suggestive titles from your home library before attempting to pass for straight. That one time you forget to hide “The Joy of Lesbian Sex” will be the one time Aunt Sophie decides to scan your bookshelves.
• Don’t forget to hide any art by Imogen Cunningham, Georgia O’Keefe, Helmut Newton or Annie Leibovitz--all dead giveaways--if you hope to successfully pass for straight.
• Beware of unfortunate consequences of passing for straight such as blind dates set up by clueless friends and a constant barrage of questions like, "When are you going to get married?"
• If you’re suddenly worried you’ve slipped up by mentioning show tunes, Cyndi Lauper, contemporary dance music or progressive politics too many times, spit on the ground or punch someone to reestablish your heterosexual credentials.
• Don’t expect it to be easy to pass for straight among gay men or lesbians. Gaydar is a powerful instrument, and the most flamboyant beard or sissy purse won’t mark you as straight if someone’s gaydar is screaming like a siren.
• Don’t really take foreign adoption lightly. Understand the country’s requirements before beginning a foreign adoption. Many countries ban gay or lesbian couples from adopting, but allow single parents to adoption. See “How to Adopt a Child in a Gay/Lesbian Relationship” in Related eHows.