How to Be an Ass at a Restaurant

There's nothing more fun than making other people miserable. The look of sheer terror in the wait staff's eyes is truly a sight to behold. Watch them run around the restaurant catering to your every whim, begging the cooks to remake your order, and then start to cry when they realize that you haven't left them a tip. Yes, there's nothing better than being an ass at a restaurant.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Tell the hostess who seats you that there's a draft or that you're too close to the kitchen or the door and ask to be moved, no matter where the table is. Look for a table that's full of dirty dishes, and demand to be seated at that particular table.
2. Take your time ordering. When the waiter comes to take your order, tell him that you need a few more minutes to decide. Keep telling him this for at least 30 minutes. Ask detailed questions about each dish, then explain to the waiter that you don't like this or that ingredient. Ask for substitutions whenever possible.
3. Flag down your waitress while your food is being prepared, and change your order. Then flag someone down every two minutes to ask them how long until your meal will be served.
4. Send back your meal as soon as it arrives. Send it back several times.
5. Eat your meal, then demand to speak to a manager and complain until you get a free meal or at the very least a free dessert.
6. Leave the table a complete mess, spilling things all over the table and the floor. Don't pick up a single thing.
7. Put a penny on the table for a tip. You don't want the waiter to think that you forgot to tip him.

Tips & Warnings

• Being an ass at a restaurant starts even before you walk in the door. Try to get yourself as angry as possible on the drive to the restaurant. This will help you get into character as quickly as possible.
• Be loud. Talking loudly is an art form and requires quite a bit of skill and concentration. If you're dining with others, chat with them about something crude and disgusting. If you have kids, give them free rein and urge them to take full advantage of all that the restaurant has to offer. If you're dining alone, whip out your trusty cell phone and start yapping.
• Whenever you see anyone wearing a name tag and a tie, complain to them. They really want to hear about your day!
• You get bonus points if you tell your waitress that the last few times you've been to this restaurant, the waitress really screwed up your order.
• Never go to the same restaurant twice, unless you plan on wearing a wig and some dark sunglasses. If the servers recognize you (and they probably will) you're almost guaranteed to get a little something extra added to your entrée.