How to Be More Assertive

Sick and tired of being passed over, pushed around and last in line for lunch? Becoming a more assertive person is a challenge, but one we all must face in this dog-eat-dog world.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Express what you need. The key to being more assertive is to communicate your wants, desires and necessities in a clear language. This doesn't mean you have to be aggresive. State your needs in a firm, steady tone. You'll notice a world of difference when you speak up!
2. Change your body language. Open up your posture, take your hands off your chest, uncross your legs and hold eye contact. Keep your face and your tone under control. This doesn't mean that you have to be stoic or icy, just make sure you aren't making an assertive statment with a wavering voice and an apologetic face.
3. Stop making your words sound like questions. It is quite common in our culture to change the tone of voice so that a statement we are making comes out of our mouths in a questioning way. This is especially true with women. Unfortunately, it's so common that people rarely notice it anymore. Heighten your assertiveness by keeping your tone even at the end of a sentence. For example, if you plan on discussing a pay raise with your boss, you want to say, "I feel I should be considered for a raise." You should not say, "I feel I should be considered for a raise?"
4. Quit apologizing. Society's questioning nature goes hand-in-hand with our tendency to start every sentence with, "I'm sorry." Are you really sorry? Did you do something to warrant an apology? If you run into someone at the train station, "I'm sorry" is probably a good idea. But if you are in the office kitchen getting coffee and your boss comes in, don't jump right to, "I'm sorry, I was just getting a cup of coffee." No one is faulting you for getting some caffeine! Be more assertive by dropping the apologies.
5. Use the word "I". If you start your sentences with "I" you are taking responsibility for yourself, which is an assertive action. In addition, you are not including others, as you would when speaking with the word "we". This helps to communicate your needs more clearly--they are your needs, not anyone else's.
6. Allow yourself time to change. No one can become more assertive overnight, and it's certainly easy to fall into old habits of apologizing and changing statements to questions. A big part of being assertive is being determined. Tenacity is a quality of an assertive person.

Tips & Warnings

• Practice makes perfect. If you are a little awkward with your newly instituted assertiveness, don't be afraid to try a few dry runs in front of the mirror. Trustworthy friends who will give you honest feedback will also be helpful.
• Be a good listener! This may not seem like the first step to being assertive, but it's crucial. Demonstrating your ability to listen makes you a respectful person and helps to create the important distinction between assertive and aggressive.