How to Prepare for an Alien Invasion

Every responsible human must prepare for alien invasion. Aliens are out there, and we all know it. Because the aliens have infiltrated the government (all governments; probably even the neighborhood association), every citizen must prepare for alien invasion on their own. Just hope they do not use zombies to do their dirty work and prepare for the worst.

Instructions

1. Prepare an anti-mind control helmet. DO NOT USE aluminum foil as this only amplifies brain waves; instead, use some type of electric insulator. Consider purchasing a chastity belt in case of capture. After all, we all know how those aliens like their "probes."

2. Stockpile food the aliens will not be able to use. Beef jerky, pork rinds and grape soda seem to be the most alien resistant.

3. Try to stay as ill as possible at all times. Aliens will be impervious to most, if not all, Earth weapons but may be susceptible to Earth germs. It's probably best to stay away from normal Earth weapons.

4. Move somewhere far away and horrible. Aliens will most likely concentrate on big cities, leaving far way, horrible places alone as long as possible...unless they are testing their insidious devices in a far away, secluded and horrible place.

5. Remember all aliens are essentially bad. Friendly aliens only befriend small, cherubic children (although some evil aliens do this as well before they eat them).

6. Distrust everyone as anyone could actually be a reptile-headed alien in disguise. Everyone includes strangers, friends acting strangely, anyone not believing in the alien threat (obvious disinformation agents) and of course attractive people (obviously trying to induce mating and produce unholy alien hybrids).

7. Remember, the only true source of information about the alien threat is AM radio.

Resources

• Simple directions to construct an anti-thought control hat and reduce alien abductions (seriously).
• A great source of anti-alien information and free stickers. Do not underestimate the power of stickers.