How to Survive an Alien Abduction

You may have originally thought that alien abductees were making it all up, but now you have an alien in front of you that wants to literally take you up into the mothership. He or she isn't taking no for an answer. How can you get out of this sticky situation?

Instructions

1. Stay calm. If this really is an alien abduction, you will need to keep your wits about you.

2. Think pleasant thoughts about staying on planet Earth. If the alien can read your mind, you don't want him to misinterpret your fears and think that you actually want to go away on a spaceship or be subjected to physical probes. Make him think that you want to stay right where you are, thanks very much.

3. Tell the alien that you don't want to go, loudly and often. The alien's English may be rusty, but if you repeat the same phrase often enough, she may get the message.

4. Do what you can to fight back. Let him know in no uncertain terms that trying to take you aboard could result in a physical fight. Sure, he may be stronger than you, but if he thinks another human would go meekly instead of throw books at him, who do you think he'll choose?

5. Let the alien know that no one has ever abducted you before, so you can't possibly tell them anything interesting. No one seems to know why, but most abductees claim to have been taken on board over and over. If you imply that you are too boring to bother with, she just might leave you alone.

Tips & Warnings

• Lessen your chances of being abducted by not hanging around abductees, since aliens seem to like to take up their associates, too.

• Avoid spending long nights camping or looking out at the stars. Many abductees were far from civilization when they were taken.

Resources

• Go here to find protective headgear to lessen your chance of being abducted by aliens.