How to Behave at a Professional Golfing Tournament

For the uninitiated, attending a professional golf tournament can be an unsettling experience. Knowing when to walk, when to stand still, when to scream "You da man!" and when to groan politely can seem akin to understanding the infield fly rule in baseball. However, at a golf tournament if you violate the rules of decorum, you are subject to crusty stares from not only other spectators but the professional golfers as well. Follow these steps to learn a few common rules of behavior for watching golf tournaments and save yourself embarrassment.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Remember that watching quietly while remaining absolutely motionless will probably not get you in trouble. There are two factors particular to golf that make watching it different from other professional sports. First, golfers are used to making a golf swing without any distractions other than the fear of failure, their own doubts, and the lack of concentration that sometimes scream loudly from inside their own heads. Unlike baseball and football where tens of thousands of fans can yell like Romans watching lions enjoy a midday Coliseum snack, a golf swing is done in silence, without anyone waving seven-foot balloons in the background. Second, spectators are often very close to the golfers. They may even be within striking distance. Watching quietly while standing very still is an excellent means of accommodating these two factors.
2. Keep in mind that one of golf's mythic creeds is that golfers are competing against the golf course and all the evil demons that rest within themselves. They are not competing against other golfers. Of course, when an opponent makes an impossible 100 foot gagger and a professional golfer smiles and says, "nice putt," we all know an inner voice is whispering, "I hope you're stung by a bee on a very sensitive body part." Nevertheless, it's the creed and not the inner voice that a spectator must heed. So, if the opponent of your favorite player misses an important 18-inch putt, do not scream out, "Choked on that can of corn you hack!" Instead, groan politely.
3. Remember that while making a shot, professional golfers are aware of movement that would seem to be well outside the range of normal human perception. You may be standing behind spectators stacked five deep, all the way across a green from a pro about to putt; but if you begin walking away in a normal walking away fashion, you might find 400 eyes staring at you because the golfer has angrily backed away from the putt, his concentration broken. If you must leave, do so quietly, like a thief in the night. Then, although the golfer may still notice you, it will be readily apparent that you were doing everything possible to not be noticed.
4. Scream out, "You da man!" after one of your favorite golfers hits a good shot. Not before. Never during. Also, it is best not to be the first to shout this euphimism. There are times when doing so is looked upon with utter disfavor. However, no one has ever been able to define just exactly when those times are. Thus, it is judicious to either wait for choruses of "You da man!" or for someone else to look like a dolt as she calls it out only to be shunned by everyone around her.
5. Work hard to develop a silent expression of apology. Practice it in a mirror. A well developed expression that drips sincerity, regret and humility is like a magic grease that allows you to slide through a crowd ten deep to a place where you can actually see something. When used properly, its effect is far more powerful than saying, "Excuse me." Of course, a golfer might be disrupted by your "Excuse me."
6. Have fun.