How to Be the Ultimate Kiss Ass

Being the ultimate kiss ass is a skill that some people are simply born with. It's a delicate balance between being a total brown-noser and disappearing from your boss' radar. Truth be told, being the ultimate kiss ass can be the ultimate skill for advancement in business, relationships or even life in general. Here are a few tips on how to do it!

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Mark your target. There's no point in being a kiss ass to everybody. Being the ultimate kiss ass is about marking the target or person in your life who you need to get something from. Usually this is your boss or someone who stands in the way of you getting what you want. If they can tell you "no" for something that's important in your life, then their ass needs to be kissed!
2. Learn your target. Once you've marked your target, now it's time to learn everything you can about them. What do they like? What turns them on? What turns them off? This step also isn't as broad as wondering whether they like golf. It's more about how they react in the course of a conversation. Play close attention to what they respond to. Some tycoons want to be challenged, while some secretaries of tycoons want to be complimented because of their stature on the totem pole. Again this is a delicate dance, a trial and error process which you'll need to apply in order to learn what your "mark" responds to.
3. Determine what you want. This can be a short term goal, like a raise, or a long term goal, like to eventually take over regional operations. Either way you must have a goal in mind. There's nothing worse than someone who relentlessly kisses ass when there's no specific goal in mind.
4. Apply your technique. Now that you've marked your target and studied them you are ready to be the ultimate kiss ass, so pucker up. Use your full bag of tricks. Being one step ahead of someone is a great way of kissing ass without them ever catching on. Rather than being transparent, they'll just perceive you as helpful. Compliments also work well. Also, if your boss loves a specific sports team, or loves the local ballet, just happen to have a pair of tickets for that event which you can't use. Slowly but surely integrate yourself into their life until you move from "included" to "integral."

Tips & Warnings

• Use humility. This works well over the phone or if you've never met someone, like a bank teller, and need a favor. Form a tragedy (not too serious) which they can relate to, something like your car breaking down and needing thousands of dollars worth of work. When people feel bad for you, they are usually more willing to help.
• Don't lay it on too thick. The art of being the ultimate kiss ass is that no one knows you're being the ultimate kiss ass. Being clever is always better than blatant compliments. Think as if you were them and try and figure out what would motivate them to help you!

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