How to Teach a Pet Insect Tricks

The following is for those fearless, adventurous types who wish to delve into the dark and dangerous arena of insect training. Take warning! Insect whispering is not for the faint of heart. So before you start wrangling with your pet Housefly or wrestling with your untamed Chinch Bug, remember there are a lot more of them than there are of you.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Choose your pet insect wisely. This is the first rule that should be adhered to before attempting to teach a pet insect how to do tricks. It is almost impossible to teach the Pepper Maggot or Pearleaf Blister Mite to shake hands. However, the Woolly Honeysuckle Sawfly and the Rocky Mountain Juniper Aphid seem to adapt to learning any kind of trick whenever the Trainer imbibes several Martinis beforehand.
2. Teach a pet Roach to roll over and play dead. Grab an old shoe and sneak up behind your Roach. Give it a firm smack. Roach will instantly roll over and play dead. Reward yourself by subscribing to National Geographic magazine.
3. Grab a chair and a bullwhip. These two items are essential protection when teaching your pet Praying Mantis to rear up on its hind legs. Keep a safe distance from this mighty insect as they are famous for eating their mates.
4. Open a window. Place your pet Ladybug on the sill. Get your face really close. Careful. Now blow directly onto the backside of the Ladybug. Your Ladybug will take off, wings shining in the sun. You've taught your Ladybug the glory of flight! The disadvantage to this trick is that this is the last time you will see your Ladybug.
5. Bungee your Boxelder Bug. This daredevil insect is for the insect owner who craves extreme sports. Place your Boxelder in a small plastic bottle. Go out on a balcony at least six floors up. Drop the bottle with the Boxelder off the balcony. Run downstairs and check on your dearest little pet. He will be alive and well! What a fantastic beast!
6. Reward your pet insect. After a hard day of training insects need love too. Let your Sassafras Weevils loose in your neighbors garden for a nice healthy snack.

Tips & Warnings

• Buy a dog