How to Raise a Foster Child with Biological Children

Being a foster parent is one of the hardest things to do in life. Sometimes it's even harder than raising your own children. It's even worse when you do have your own children, because then your foster children may feel inferior to them. Realize upfront that this will be the case no matter what you do. However, there are things you can do to lessen the feeling.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Compassion
• Patience
• Love

Setting the Pattern

1. Explain the situation to your children before the foster child arrives. Let them know that sometimes people feel bad about not having a family, and they shouldn't tell people about the foster child's situation. Make sure there are consequences if this is not followed, just like any other rule.
2. Be consistent with how you treat both the foster child and your own children. It is easy to mess up when you never do the same thing.
3. Let the foster child know that they can tell you if they feel uncomfortable with how you treat them. Give suggestions on how they want to be treated, and mean it.
4. Treat each foster child with this same system, and you can help them each to feel just a little better.

Introductions

5. Be sensitive when letting people know the child is a foster child. Most foster children don't want people to know because they fear people won't like them. Another thing to consider is that when you say "This is my son, and this is my foster child", you are sending the message that the foster child is somehow less important than your biological child.
6. Say, "These are my sons Jacob and Michael, and this is Sarah" instead of using titles. Then the person you are introducing them to can assume whatever they want, and you will not have offended the foster child.
7. Let the child introduce themselves if they are old enough and have good manners. They will use whatever introduction they feel comfortable using.
8. Explain the relationship later, out of the child's hearing, if someone has a question.

Discipline

9. Be consistent in this area especially. If you are constantly punishing the foster child but only giving your children warnings, you are going to send a message that the foster child is "bad" or that you don't like them. Both of these are harmful to a child's well-being.
10. Think about how you would handle the situation if it were the other child before you take any action. If your child does something you would punish your foster child for, punish them the same. If your foster child does something that wouldn't bother you, don't punish them.
11. Let any children in your home know that they are all expected to follow the same rules.
12. Realize that rules change based on age, but the same general idea should be there.

Celebrations

13. Allow foster children to take part in family celebrations. Until they leave, they should be considered part of your family. Some foster children even remain "family" after they have moved.
14. Celebrate your foster child's special moments as well. Milestone birthdays, awards, annual birthdays, special achievements and other reasons for celebration should be celebrated for them just as they would for your children.
15. Include foster children in family gatherings. Don't send them to babysitters if your children get to go. If you are invited somewhere and they include your children but not your foster children, either don't go or don't include any children.
16. Allow foster children to have a part in gift-giving at holidays or birthdays. Help them to buy or make a gift, even if you just let them put their name on a card with yours.

Tips & Warnings

• Never yell at, abuse or threaten a child in any way.
• Never have a "double standard" for your foster children and your children.