How to Take Your Toddler to a Public Restroom

Perhaps no other place will bring such dread to parents of toddlers like a public restroom. You don’t need a black light to know that the place is crawling with things you don’t want your toddler to touch

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. To your child, reiterate the rules in one short, toddler-friendly sentence. “Sweetie, here’s the plan…”
2. Have her clasp her hands together (like she’s praying). Insist, then pray, that she keep her hands together until out of the bathroom.
3. Open the bathroom door, thoroughly but quickly wipe the toilet seat, lay paper on the seat, and place your child up on it. (If your toddler is a boy and tall enough, this part will be easier.)
4. You handle the wiping.
5. Wash your hands. If your child is a saint, she will still have prayer hands and won’t even need for them to be washed at the grimy sink. If you’re not so lucky, wash everyone’s hands, open the door with the paper towel, and exit quickly.
6. If you sense a tantrum coming on, promise your child anything—this is the last place you want anyone writhing around on the floor.

Tips & Warnings

• If you are in a porta-potty, the same rules apply, but with the addition of the “Don’t look down, don’t look down” mantra.
• Never leave home without a stash of antibacterial hand wipes.